Memorable Jokes

Valentine

2012-02-21T14:02:00.000+03:00

Man : Habari ya nyina wa Kamau
Woman : *sneers* Mzuri. Wapi Maua?
Man : Ati maua?
Woman : *Slap* Kwani nimesema OMO?
Man : Sasa ni nini nyina wa Kamau?
... Woman : Nimekuuliza wapi maua!
Man : Eeee ... Nimesahau.
Woman : *Slap* Wapi? Hapa nje! *Slap* Umesahau
wapi?
Man : Wuuui. Sasa ni nini? Si maua nitaleta siku nyingine?
Woman : Kesho? *Slap* Leo unajua ni siku gani?
Man : Woooi! Falentine! Falentine!
Woman : Na maua iko wapi?
Man : Eeeee.... Sikupata saa ya kwenda kununua
Woman : *Slap* Kwani ulikuwa unaenda kuchukua
Kismayu? Eh?
Man : Sasa ni nini nyina wa kamau. Si nilikua na kazi
mingi...
Woman : *Slap* Hata malaya hukuwa na free time!
Kwani hii kazi kambuni yako wanafanya wanafanyianga
kwa mgongo yako ati ukiinuka kazi itamwagika?
Man : Sio hivyo.
Woman : Na maua iko wapi?
Man : Sasa haki nyina wa Kamau unataka nifanye nini?
Woman : Mimi nataka maua sijui kama utapanda
ukojolee mpaka imee. Nataka maua. Iko wapi maua
yangu?
Man : Ngai, sasa na ni saa tano ya usiku nitatoa wapi?
Woman : *Slap* Unaniuliza mimi? Ushawahi niona
nikiuza maua, eh? *Slap* Toka ulete maua! Jinga wewe!

Hearty breakfast

2012-01-27T11:37:00.000+03:00

A Kenyan is enjoying a hearty breakfast - bacon, eggs, coffee, croissant; toast, butter, jam, etc. when an American, chewing gum, sits next to him and starts an unwanted conversation:-

American: You Kenyans eat the whole bread?
Kenyan: Of course.
American (blowing a bubble with his gum): We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle, rebake them ...into croissants and sell them to Kenya.

Kenyan: Oh Really?
American: Do ya eat jam with the bread?
Kenyan: Of course.
American (chuckling and crackling his gum between his teeth): We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, put all the peels, seeds and left overs into containers, recycle them into jam and sell it to Kenya.

Kenyan: Do you have sex in America?
American: Of course we do.
Kenyan: And what do you do with the condoms?
American: Throw them away of course.
Kenyan: We don't. We pack them into containers, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to America.

CHIKU! Never again try to bust a dr.

2012-01-18T13:06:00.001+03:00

AKINYI: hello, shiko i think my husband is cheating on me

SHIKO: why do u think so? whats his name and what does he do?

AKINYI: his name is Ombewa, he is a pharmacist at umoja and i found sweet messages in his phone from a lady called beatrice

SHIKO: ok lets find out if hes really cheating on u *ring ring….ri ng…ring*

OMBEWA: hallo.. .the digits being displayed on my android 2960 as incoming are foreign to my records, which assembly of co-joined alphabetical letters shall i embed to the person seeking my audience via the cellular?

SHIKO: hello mr. ombewa, my name is sharon from the safaricom shinda na milli promotions and i woud lo….

OMBEWA: pardon my interjection but substitute the prefix Mr. with “Dr.” b4 uttering my name as this will avoid confusion with other ombewa’s and appreciate the years i sacrificed in attaining that status. it is of paramount importance that i percieve this conversation to be channelled only in my direction.

SHIKO: ok dr. ombewa, im sharon from safaricom shinda na amilli and im pleased to inform u that u have won a vacation for two this weekend at mombasa..

OMBEWA: finally safaricom has recognised the reasoning behind their hug profit margins steming from the bulk calls i instigate for both local and international. i accord ur gesture with hospitality. .. SHIKO: ok so i would like the name and details of the person u will be taking to the trip OMBEWA: where they seek her name, just scribble the words “Dr. ombewa’s companion”

SHIKO: sorry sir, but we actually need a name

OMBEWA: Beatrice njeri

SHIKO: ok, thank u sir… i want u to talk to the show promoter so that she can give u the details for ur trip to coast *shiko connects akinyi*

AKINYI: ombewa wewe…huyooo beatrcice kwisakuwa nani?

OMBEWA: ur promoters vocal cords transmit sound in the replicas of my wifes tone. thats astounding

SHIKO: ombewa naitwa shiko, from classic 105..hii ni busted..

OMBEWA: u alerted me that u r sharon from safaricom, now shiko from classic 105. subjecting my experience in the field of pharmacetuals and doctorate to practice i can deduce that u are suffering from multi-personality dis- order. i can prescribe u some recomendable medications for ur ailments AKINYI:wewe ombewa kwisa-acha kutangatanga na maneno, ni mimi bibi yako akinyi ambayo wewe naangalia wasichana wengine nyuma yake

OMBEWA: akinyi, nyar-loka.. yawaa u achieved a job at safaricom as the promoter?..with ur education tht is remarkable

AKINYI: propaganda hawesi kusaidia sai, ambia mimi beatrcice kwisakuwa nani?

OMBEWA: akinyi yawaaa, beatrice is just patient i treated and this un-expecte d trip to mombasa was just an avenue to assist in her recuparation via therapy

AKINYI: hawesi danganya mimi kama mtoto, Unataka ata mimi nihanye sasa. si ni cha hivyo. si ni tit for tat

OMBEWA: yawaaa nyaber do not retaliate in that manner. i detar u to expose that which is matrimonially exclusive to my corneas

AKINYI: ata mimi apana taka wewe sasa….en da na hiyo ndogo ndogo yako na hapana rudi kwa nyumba yangu

OMBEWA: u cannot decree a personna non grata upon me as regards to my dwelling. i am the one who remunerates the landlord on a monthly basis

SHIKO: si uambie bibi yako beatrcice ni nani?

OMBEWA: first and foremost shiko this conversation is recorded on my state of the arts phone. my lawyer will comb the dialogue and sue u for impersonating a safaricom agent and causing me emotional discomfort by instigating deception upon my intellect that i have won trip to mombasa

AKINYI: ambia hiyo loya’ yako aanze kutengenezea wewe karatasi ya divos. mimi akuna mahali napelekana na wewe. wewe naesa letea mimi hayaki

SHIKO: ombewa dont u think that u shuld apologise to ur wife

OMBEWA: cease this dialogue b4 i enforce another suit against u for diminishing the voltage in my android via this misplaced conversation

AKINYI: yaani wewe bado narusa vitisho na wewe kwisasikwa na suruali chini?

OMBEWA: akinyi depart from my dwelling. you ignite cerebral discomfort everytime u spark arguments with my intellect. profits has eluded my pharmacetual business from the fact that i divert most of the medications to treat the never ending head-aches u inflict on me. i used to think that u were my missing rib that i finnaly found only to realise in the end that i ended up with OKIYA OMUTATA’S missing fibula. please go… go and locate your tibia .

Mental Hospital

2012-01-06T14:59:00.000+03:00

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day.
All the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks,
so I looked through to see what was going on.....
Some crazy person poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'........

If u Did Not burst laughing then ur one of the patients...

Unfair

2012-01-06T14:56:00.002+03:00

Famous luos in america

2012-01-06T14:52:00.000+03:00

Barrack Obama is not the first famous Luo to have made it in the US , but he might be the only one who retained his Kenyan name while many others Americanized theirs. Here is a sample of those Kenyans who made it big in the US but changed their names to become more 'Americans.'

They include: Clarence Carter, Billy Ocean, Barry White, and Otis Redding.

Alicia Keys real name is Alice Akinyi, and then we have Billy Ochieng, who changed his name to Billy Ocean once he hit the American shores; and Otis Redding whose real name is Otieno Rading, comes from the Kisumu.
Brian Mac Otieno was Brian Mc night

Note they are all Luos

There may be others out there, but these are the ones who came to my mind immediately. Something common with these Kenyans is that they were/are all great musicians. If they went into politics like Obama, perhaps they would have retained their Kenyan tags. If they were preachers, they would have changed their minimally like Martin Oludhe King who changed to Martin Luther King and T.D. Jaoko who became T.D. Jakes

Ocampo Nairobi Styro

2012-01-05T09:24:00.000+03:00

For those of you wenye mlipitwa nayo,a nyt cracker 0.o

ocampo writes on Mwai kibaki"s wall on fb (nairobi styro)

*Luis Moreno Ocampo*>mwai kibaki kibaki
-mzeiya hii risto ya shuttle diplomacy ikatsie,unaharibu mambo

•Mike "Gwan Ting" $onko likes this.

35minutes ago nkt. Dislike.Utadoo

coments:

*mwai kibaki>KUBAFU!!!!!!kwanza naaaani alikupa ruhusa uandike kwa woro yagu?siuadike kwa woro ya ICC.MUJINGA

*Lucy kibaki>yaani @kibaki unaongeza friendz kwa fb yetu bira kuniabia,he!niukuona huaini!!Na wewe ocampo,ni kazi umekosa nkt.Kuja ukue scare crow kwa chaba yangu.

*kalonzo musyoka>Tihihihi@lucy,haki umenimaliza,tihihihi.......

*Lucy KIBAKI>Whats funny?Unaona shashir hapa?kwanza niabie chenye uliabia ranabaga juu ya kibaki ama nikubrok!

*Mwai Kibabi>Nooooo!hapanaaa@lucy,wacha kwanza afanye hiyo mambo ya deferal,harafu dio udiro naye porepore.

*joshua Arap sang>@kibaki waeza nisave doo kiasi? jo ni kubaya man.Huyu ocampo hanitakii mazuri.

Raila Odinga>Luolest@LUCY umenimada!roor!!!

*Mike "Gwan Ting" $onko>mathee(lucy) watajuaje we ndo first lady,,,hebu wachapie bwo bwo! Wagan mzito

*Lucy Kibaki>@mbuvi unaniita madhee mimi mama yako?? Mschewww

*Mike "gwan Ting" $onko> tuliza shonde madame,mi nakupiga jeki tu,mbona waniparamba hivo?jipe shughli tsatsa,nkt

*kalonzo Musyoka>tihihihihihi aki $onko unanimada tihihi lol

*Raila Odinga> heheheh am unjoying the unfolding drama,kibaki amesahau bibi ananyeshewa huku *seeps pepsi* Sonko mpe zake!

*PLO Lumumba> never under estimate the idiocy under the downfold of stupidy,you will end with a certificate that will doom your resume into a worthless peace of paper,fools #smh#

*Mike "Gwan Ting" Sonko> hehe PLO umenimada debroz hebu wachapia hawa washenzi,ata najua Kalucy hakajagitch any,kali hiyo

*Bifwoli Wokoli> PLO khandi sasa hiyo ni kisungu ama kicherumani vane?selfless itiot!@ Lucy Omulami pole pole omwana wefwe,wewe ni wetu hawa wasikutisheko khandi,lala vsuri mama #SMH# <-----(ameweka tu the initials hata hajui maana)

*Lucy Kibaki>PLO i will sue you to the standard you son of a mbitch,,,,,,,shameless man,by the way enda kura,umekoda sana,nktscare crow

*Francis Atwoli-washenzi,washenzi,washenzi!!PLO unafanya nini huku jobless corner,al block all of you except Bifwoli,Lucy naanza na wewe nkt!

*Bifwoli Wokoli>WTF!->(not knowing the meaning)-atwoli ata leo ntalala vsuri,barikiwe

*Mike "Gwan Ting" Sonko> Bifwoli we ni Cartoon Mtinguyez,ulijoin facebook lini fala wangu,kuja inbox nikuchanue haha,haiya tuende inbox(1) nktubukusu!

*Raila Odinga*> Lucy stop poking me,kama Sonko amekulemea usiniletee kisrani,am out my beautiful Idda is waiting in bed *ror!*
-(Idda Odinga and Wokoli bifwoli like this)

*Jimmy Gathungu Uhuru kenyatta>>Nijeyez ubakoo,,umeskia maujinga za Ekaterina 2kiwa icc..ujinga moja ni kutamka jina Maina Jenga,,eti MAIN AGENDA.. lol, lmfao, enyway ni accent ya walami bt am xua ntatoboa hii noma ya hague~(Eketerina Trendafilova and Moureno Ocampo like this)

*Lucy Kibaki>nyi edereeni tu,kukiederea hivi naona manyunyu ya Ocampo na mkizidi kutakuwa na mvua ya Trendafilova,may you rot in jair you sons of mbitches,period

*Kalonzo Musyoka>tihihihihi @lucy hebu washow tihihihi :p(Charity Ngilu likes this)

*
BIfwOli Wokoli>ohhh my firinjess!!!ofwana imbwa.Msondo! #smh#

It is Only in Nigeria

2012-01-04T13:08:00.000+03:00

A family in Nigeria was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from the USA, sent by their sister.

The tiny corpse was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin that their mother's face was practically touching the glass cover. When they opened the coffin, they found a letter from their sister pinned to their mother's chest, which read:-

Dearest brodas and sistos, I am sending you our moda's remains for burial de in Lagos. Sorry I couldn't come along as tha expenses were so high. You will find inside de coffin, unda mama's body, 12 cans of Libby's corned beef and 12 cans of Luncheon Meat. Just share it among yourselves.

On Mama's head for Tunde's sons. Mama is wearing six Ralph Lauren T-shirts one is for Omo Roy and de rest are my nephews. Mama is also wearing one dozen Wonder Bra (your favorite) just divide it among yourselves. The 2 dozen Victoria's Secret panties dat Mama is wearing should be distributed among my nieces and cousins.

Underneath mama's body is 20 kgs of cocaine in sachets, which is worth 120 million Naira. This should take care of all of you and the unborn babies in your bodies. Don't bury her with all this fortune.

Mama is also wearing eight Docker pants - Ikeje, please get one for yourself and the rest are for the boys. The Swiss watch you asked for is on Mama's left wrist, please get it. Aunty Ifoma, mama is wearing what you asked for ie earrings, ring and necklace - please just get dem. Also, the six pairs of Chanel stockings that mama is wearing must be
>divided among the teen-age girls de I hope they like the color.

Yours loving sisto,
Nene

PS: plse take care of finding a dress for her burial since all I had dressed her in were your presents.

Afro cinema continues shortly,,,,,,

Ghost Encounter

2012-01-04T13:05:00.000+03:00

Sam is hanging out alone in a nairobi bar on a wednesday night. At around 2am he decides to leave for his crib... No matatus ply that route at that time of the morning and so he decides to hitch a ride.

It starts to rain and then a prado stops next to him, he quickly gets into the co-drivers side and slams the door behind him. The car starts moving and just when he is about to thank the driver he discovers there is none! Sam starts to freak out but he is afraid to jump out of a moving vehicle. When the vehicle gets to a bend, a hand comes in through the driver's window and turns the steering wheel! This happens twice but on the 3rd time, Sam becomes totally freaked out and decides to jump out of the vehicle, landing into a ditch full of rain water.

He gets up and runs into a nearby bar. After downing four beers, he narrates his 'ghost' encounter to whoever who cared to listen. Just
then, three guys get into the same bar, soaked wet. Then one of them recognizes Sam, starts
laughing uncontrollably while pointing at Sam. Amid his laughing he says 'Si huyu ni yule jamaa aliingia gari tukisukuma?'

Just for Laughs

2011-11-30T09:38:00.000+03:00

Juzi Kibaki,Moi &Raila were kidnaped. They were taken 2 a town they dint knw. Kila mtu akaambiwa' aende anunue matunda 10 ama auliwe. Moi alikuwa wa 1st kufika na machungwa 10. Kumbe ilikuwa unawekwa hayo matunda kwa matako ama uuliwe. Moi aliwekwa 3 ya nne akaanza kulia. Raila alikuwa wa pili kufika na grapes kumi. Kwa sababu zilikuwa ndogo aliwekwa kwa urahisi lakini alipofikisha ya tisa, alicheka, zikatoka zote. Akaulizwa mbona amecheka na alikuwa karibu kumaliza? Raila akamjibu "Nimeona Kibaki akibeba watermelon kumi"...hehehe.

Kikuyus and problems (joke)

2011-11-23T13:49:00.001+03:00

Where Kikuyus are...... there must be a problem..... and a solution in the
making.......... ........... ..

Angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said 'I have to talk to you. We have some Kikuyus up here and are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing Savco jeans instead of their white robes, they're riding pick up trucks instead of the chariots, and they're selling their halos to people for discount prices. Furthermore, they refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep crouching down midway hawking their wings! They have sub-let their mansions and are now living in the SQs. They are even attempting "atiriri" talk over here! I found some attempting to fit a carrier on the chariot for carrying "thaara wa n'gombe " (Napier grass) on their way from visits! they are even usingmpesa to send money to "andu aitu" in hell.

The Lord said, 'Kikuyus are Kikuyus. If you want to know about real problems, call the devil.'

The Devil answered the phone, 'Hello? Hold on a minute.' The Devil returned to the phone, 'OK I'm back. What can I do for you?'
Gabriel replied, 'I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're having down there.' The Devil said, 'Hold on again. I need to check on something..'

After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, 'I'm back... Now what was the question?' Gabriel said, 'What kind of problems are you having down there?' The Devil said, 'Man I don't believe
this.......Hold on.' in the background you can hear "ngai!!!"

This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes.. The Devil returned and said, 'I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those Kikuyus have put out the fire and are selling me a match box if I want to light the fire again!

Omwami

2011-11-23T13:46:00.001+03:00

Omwami at bar in New York :
Man on his right says, 'Johnny Walker single'
Man on his left says, 'Peter Scotch single” Omwami says, 'Wekesa Johnstone Married'

***
Boss: I'm giving you a job as a driver. Starting salary is Ksh.20,000.00; is it okay?
Omwami: You are great Sir! Starting salary is okay, ...but how much is Driving salary...

***
Omwami's theory: Moon is more important than Sun, because it gives light at night when light is needed;
and Sun gives light during the day when light is not needed!!!
***

Two Omwamis are driving a car, one puts on the indicator and asks the other to check whether it’s
working. He puts his head out and says, 'YES...NO...YES...NO...YES...NO...

***
Omwami shouting to his girl friend, 'you said ati we will register marriage and cheated me. I was
waiting
4 you yesterday whole day in the post office...
***

Two Omwamis looking at Egyptian mummy:

Omwami 1: 'Look so many bandages, lorry accident case mpaya sana .'
Omwami 2: 'Eh Pwanaaa!! , lorry number is also written...BC 1760...!!!'

***
Omwami on an interview for the post of Detective:
Interviewer: 'Who killed Gandhi?'
Omwami: 'Thank you Sir for giving me the job, I will start investigating...'
***
Omwami for an exam had studied only one essay 'FRIEND', but in the exam the essay which came was
'FATHER'. He replaced friend with father in the essay and it read:
'I am a very fatherly person, I have lots of fathers, some of my fathers are male and some are
female. My true father is my neighbour.'
***

Interviewer: 'What is your qualification?'
Omwami: 'Sir I am PhD.
Interviewer: 'What do you mean by PhD?'
Omwami: (smiling) “ Passed High School with Tifficulty.'
***

Mwalimu: 'In which state does the Nyando flow?'
Omwami: “ Liquid State ...'
Audience clapped
Mwalimu stands stunned, looks behind, All were Omwamis...!

Somethin special for the Jeng's

2011-11-23T13:43:00.001+03:00

Doctor : What happened to your arm?

Oludhe : I broke it.

Doctor : Where and How did that happen?

Oludhe : Okey. It was a normal Saturday afternoon. I was on the second floor balcony of that my house in Karen, not the one in Lavington sip...

Doctor : Is that where you broke your arm,the balcony?

Oludhe : No! no ... I was sipping that my scotch whisky slowly... you know my son recently came from the UK and he brought me some blue label. Anyway... as I continued sipping, I realised that the sun's rays were not getting directly to me, as the satellite dish was blocking them. Before I could instruct the domestic engineer to automatically turn away the dish, my butler James came up the balcony and informed me that there was this call on my social cellular phone . I reminded him to always bring the cellular up instead of calling me. As I hurried down the marble escalator ...

Doctor : I guess that is when you...

Oludhe : No, as I was going down I noticed the garage door was open and a car alarm was on. I stopped to check and indeed the new model Prado was missing. I knew Mama Akinyi my beautiful second wife had taken it. Akinyi is our second daughter, now in Boston USA and is named after my late grand mother, who passed away in 1972 after a sort illness. I have always warned Mama Akinyi never to use the 4 by 4 on weekends, because of the recent spate of car-jackings. I always advise her to either use the Mercedes 230E or the BMW 325I which are not very attractive for thugs. That reminds me, I will have to tell my secretary to call 'car-track ' first thing on Monday – Yawa! I need to update my mobility inventory with them.So as I was saying....

Doctor : (With some laughter) Yes Mr Oluthe, car theft incidences are rising and it is becoming a dangerous place. But how did you break your arm?

Oludhe : Yes I was coming to that. On my way to pick the cell tel I heard a hissing sound. I stopped to check where it was coming from. Ahh, it was from the bathroom.. Mama Akinyi, for some reason, had left the Jacuzzi on. Luckily the temp and speed were at the minimum. I usually recommend such speed and temp so that we do not overload the UPS support system , especially when our son's home theatre system is on .

Doctor : Mr Olu...

Oludhe : Just wait... So I when I picked up the phone, I said Hello, Hello...Hello, but nothing. I became upset because I think the caller from state house had disconnected, I cant understand why he didn't leave a message after the beep.All my un-answered calls including the car mobiles are automatically redirected to a CAMS system. Doc, a CAMS is a 'Central Answering Machine System '. Anyway, on my way back I did not notice the protruding wire from the satellite dish. I had on many occasions told MultiChoice to send in a qualified techni...

Doctor : ...is that where you tripped?

Oludhe : No, as I was avoiding the wire, I tripped on the Multichoice 250 channel decoder and fell on the 200 year old classical family piano..........

Doctor : Thank you. Such an expensive trip will cost you only 850.

Oludhe: hands over the money excitedly...)

Doctor : Not Kenya shillings, Dollars!

Oludhe : Aii....yawa.....then I shall write you a cheque drawn from my
overseas account with Fast Boston Bank Massachussets....you can not go
wrong on that one omera.

Only in Jamiaca

2011-11-18T13:03:00.000+03:00

A Jamaican man walks into a supermarket, picks up a pack of Ribena and a bag of sugar. He pays for the Ribena but walks out... with the sugar. Minutes later, he's caught & later on taken to court.
Once in court, the judge asks him,
"Why did you steal sugar?" The Jamaican man replied, "Bumbaclaaarrtt!! Look pon di
back of di Ribena, it says, SUGAR FREE!!"

Imagine this story!

2011-11-18T12:54:00.001+03:00

A bus stops and two Italian men get inside the bus. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

There is this lady sitting next to them who ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more,

'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorts indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi. '

My $5000 bet says you're gonna read this again.

Have a nice day, wont you?

Golf

2011-11-12T14:00:00.000+03:00

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".

Bangi

2011-11-12T12:13:00.000+03:00

Bangi na strungi ni kitu mbaya sana,watu wa pwani mko wapi?

Fala na Otoyo baada ya kiamsha kinywa cha bangi na strungi, waliliona embe juu ya mti wakaamua
kulipopoa.Wakarusha mawe mengi sana bila kufanikiwa kuliangusha lile embe.

Fala akasema; hebu ngoja isije ikawa embe lenyewe bichi, wacha nipande juu nikalicheki.

Baada ya dakika 5, Fala akashuka chini,akamwambia

Otoyo; nimelibonyeza na limeiva vizuri kabisa,tuendelee kulipopoa mawee!!!

Maths

2011-11-12T12:09:00.000+03:00

If uchumi changes its name

2011-11-11T13:03:00.000+03:00

Once upon a time thea was NAKURU MATRESS - which later coverted to NAKUMATT

Then there was TUSKER MATTRESS - which later converted to TUSKYS
Then there was NAIVASHA SELF SERVICE STORES - which is now NAIVAS
I'm now afraid UCHUMI might change its name to something like UCHI ...then we'll start getting strange calls like this. 'Baybe, si leo twende shopping uchi!?'

Mulu Mutysia's speech

2011-11-11T13:00:00.001+03:00

Mulu Mutysia's speech when the president(then Moi) visited his place

Baba wanasema Kenyatta ni hayati lakini wewe ni hayati kabisa. Nashukuru sana baba wa taifa kwa sababu ulihaidi kunya hapa ukaharisha, ukahaidi kuja hapa tena ukaharisha tena.

Lakini leo baba ujaharisha lakini umekunya wewe mwenye.

Na sasa baba vile umekunya, nataka nikuambie matako ya hawa mama wote ni maji. Maji tupu.

(The guy was struggling to say that the president was better than his predecessor bu he had postpned his visits many times. but now that he had come the issues of the women in Ukambani was water shortage.

Jeng'

2011-10-14T19:53:00.000+03:00

After a heavy night of drinking at the local bar, a Jeng' stumbles into a Catholic church and slowly makes his way into the confessional booth. There, the priest patiently awaits Ouma to begin his confession.

Confessional Booth After a few minutes of silence, the priest politely taps on the window… nothing. The priest taps again and this time clears his throat a bit… still nothing. At this point the priest begins to lose his patience and bangs on the window.

Finally Ouma yells out… “Marateng'? Ti! Omera !there is no use knocking, there is no tissue paper over here either,jaribu choo next berr!"

Jalou Berrrrrr

2011-10-12T13:51:00.000+03:00

My friends, being a luo isnt easy, its an an art we must live up to!. No matter where you are...u must be U! please take note of the titles below and use them as etiquette demands

How Luos call them....

Gardener - Landscape Executive and Animal Nutritionist
House Maid - Domestic Operations Specialist
Typist - Printed Document Handler
Messenger - Business Communications Conveyer
Window Cleaner - Transparent Wall Technician
Temporary Teacher - Associate Tutor
Tea Boy - Refreshments Overseer
Garbage Collector - Public Sanitation Technician
Watchman - Theft Prevention and Surveillance Officer
Thief - Wealth Distribution Officer
Driver - Automobile Propulsion Specialist
Receptionist - Office Access Control Specialist
Cook - Food Preparation Officer
Bartender - Certified Liquor Specialist
Housewife - Permanent Secretary- Home Affairs

Three Bodies

2011-10-12T13:47:00.001+03:00

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. After autopsies, the pathologist calls the police to tell
them what has happened.

"First body: a Mkamba, 60, died of heart failure while making love to
his mistress. Hence the enormous smile,

"Second body: "a Luo, 25, won a hundred thousand shillings in the
sweepstakes, spent it all on whisky & cham. Died of alcohol poisoning,
hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the pathologist, "this is the most unusual one.
Harvester Khayega, Luhyia from Funyula, 30, struck by
lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."

kibanda language

2011-10-12T13:37:00.001+03:00

So you have all have been to the mighty kibanda for a selection of mouth watering dishes, but most of you guyz barely understand the logistics of operations there, leave alone the street language. So here's a compilation of some of the delicacies available on demand, in kibanda language.

1. Chapati dunga - this is where a chapati is rolled and pierced with a fork.

2. chapati dondosa - this is where a chapati is served whole and served while floating on thick soup.

3. chapati msalaba - this is where a chapati is sliced into four equal quarters. The cuttings resemble a cross

4. chapati kifagio- this is where a chapati is sliced into thin many vertical strips

5. chapati chafua- this is where a chapati is sliced into many pieces as possible. Usually they are sliced into squares that are approximately 3.5 centimeteres squared (do the math)

6. chapati mbao/ chapati mawe - this is a dry chapati, those that break easily like a piece of wood

7. ugali saucer/ wembe/discount- that one i know you know

8. ugali mlima- this is an enourmous chunk of ugali served only to proffessionals and is usually served with a warning. "ukikosa kuimaliza, utaongeza kumi".

9. Tumbukiza - this is where meat is overboiled until the meat is very soft. Usually served without salt. Tumbukiza special has no bones

10. kahawa kifo- so you have done kahawa chungu! This is worse. It usually contains lots of "kahawa no 1" and is overboiled till its black. its then served without sugar. Its literrally burnt coffee

11. kaa ndani- this is where a mandazi is made an incision at the side and a delicacy inserted inside of it. So kaa ndani ya sausage is a mandazi with a sausage in it.

12. jembe ya meno- toothpick

13. samaki cassette- this is fish which has bones in it. Its served whole whereby a person starts eating it on one side( side A ).
Once done, its then turned to the other side (side B). A successful completed eating mission is certified once the only thing left on the plate are intact bones of the fish and the head.

14. karare- chapati nusu

15. combat- githeri

16. mix/ missile / kadhalika- this is mchanganyiko of everything on the soup menu. Involves madondo, sukuma, nyama, ndengu etc. Na inasemwa na style, so dont go ati nipatie missile 20!
It goes like "haya, hebu nibonde na chapo mix ya kaufourty, na ikuje chapchap kabla niachwe na ndege"

17. teargas- pilipili

kibanda language

2011-10-12T13:37:00.000+03:00

Bifwoli in parliament

2011-10-12T13:33:00.001+03:00

Bifwoli enters parliament with bandages on his ears, Marende: Hon Member of Bumula,what happened to your ears? Bifwoli: Mr Speaker, I receift a call while ironing an I confused putingi my mopile for the iron pox on my ear (members burst laughing) Marende: Order members! order!! it is not in order to laugh at a collegue. Hon Bifwoli pole..... So what happened to the other ear? Bifwoli: Mr. Speaker,the itiot kolt pak!!

Kikuyu ndani ya mwarabu

2011-10-11T13:37:00.001+03:00

An Arab was admitted in the Nairobi Hospital for a heart operation, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to the neighboring towns.

Finally a Kikuyu was located who had a similar type of blood. The Kikuyu willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery,the Arab sent the Kikuyu as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW 540iL, diamonds, lapis lazuli jewelry, and half a million US dollars.

Once again the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Kikuyu who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Kikuyu a thank you card and a box of almond chocolate & sweets. The Kikuyu was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate the Kikuyu 's kind gesture as he had anticipated..

He phoned the Arab and told him, 'I thought this time u would give me Toyota Prado, Diamonds and Jewelry. But u gave only a card and a box of almond chocolate & sweets. To this the Arab replied 'Can't help it, friend..... Now I have Kikuyu blood in my veins!!

Famous kikuyu words

2011-10-11T13:20:00.001+03:00

1.Wheelbarrow – Harrubarow
2.Diesel-Dithoro
3.Sunday school-Sade Skoo
4.Avacado-Macodofia/ovacado
5• Cholmondeley – Koromondo…Shoromondo…Shomondree…AAAAGH, Kamundu kau!!!
6• Charles – sharothi….Jesse – jaythii….Josiah – Johthia….Grace – Girathiii…Coolio – Kuria.
7******EMINEM-Munene
8. Touch Me Lord – Tash Me Rod…
9. In a school context – Agriculture – ngirigasha…Parallelogram – parrrrrrgram….Peripheral – ferferi…Minerals – minroz
10.Walikuja wakishikilia bunduki – Marikuja makishikiria bonoko

Mbuzi

2011-10-10T15:34:00.000+03:00

Tajiri kanunua mbuzi! Akamwambia mpishi!

"Nyama nusu ipike pilau na nyingine itie kwenye friza!

Kichwa fanya supu na miguu fanya mchuzi chukuchuku!
Ngozi usitupe tutafanya mswala, utumbo pika na ndizi na mifupa tutawauzia wenye mbwa!"

Mpishi akamuliza:

"Hutaki na sauti ya mbuzi tukichinja tufanye ring tone kwenye simu yako?"

Just for Laughs

2011-10-10T15:26:00.001+03:00

And you wonder why the characters in Tahidi High never finish high school!

1. Kamilisha methali hii: Akili ni nywele…

a) Ujinga ni weave

b) Wazimu ni mohawk

c) Kipara ni ngoto

...d) Matuta ni msoto

2. What does Yash Pal Ghai's daughter call her father? - Ghai Fafa!

3. What did Moses say when he saw the burning bush? HELLO-MOTO!

4. What is the opposite of Wetangula – Dryangula

5. Name one place in Kenya where you will find coffee and sugarcane growing. - Kahawa Sukari.

6. Kamilisha methali ifuatayo .... 'Usipoziba woofer , utachoma pia amplifier '

7. Which one of these is not a soap?

a) Esmeralda

b) Days of Our Lives

c) Geisha

d) La Mujer

e)Soy Tu Duena

8. Give an appropriate answer to the following Question: 'Otherwise?'

9. If Moses was a Rastafarian and saw the burning bush,what could he have said?

a) Mo faya

b) Better dan dem

c).Wa’gwan

d) Blo! Blo! Blo

LOVE LETTER IN MATHS

2011-08-18T11:08:00.001+03:00

My Dear SweetHeart,

Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in trigonometric lane.There I saw you with our cute circular face,conical nose and spherical eyes, standing in your triangular garden. Before seeing you my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated. My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me.
The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity.I promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity. You are as essential to me as an element to a set.
The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality. My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved polynomial of degree 10. With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima, of an unknown function.

Truly Yours

Gairey

Top Ten Reasons why there won't be an Indian US President Anytime Soon

2011-06-28T19:04:00.001+03:00

10. White House not big enough for in-laws
9. Engineering, medicine, law and motels always preferred over politics
8. Agarbattis will set off smoke alarms
7. Can't find decent masala dhosa inside the beltway
6. Secret service can't handle nagging from mother
5. Dignitaries generally intimidated by eating with hands at state dinners
4. No chance for promotion
3. Chewing pan masala not considered politically correct
2. Senior aides won't take off shoes before coming in
1. Air Force One: No frequent flyer miles

Riddle

2011-06-28T18:47:00.001+03:00

A lady shoots her husband, then holds him under water for five minutes and finally hangs him. Five minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a lovely meal. How can that be?

Answer:

She's a photographer. she shoots her husband with a camera and holds the picture under water to develop it and then hangs it on the wall.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were walking

2011-06-28T18:45:00.001+03:00

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were walking Along the beach. A seagull flies over and craps all Over the blonde.The brunette says in a disgusted voice, "Hang on. The bathroom is just up the hill. I'll go get Some toilet paper."After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh.The Redhead says, "What's so funny?"The blonde says, "Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her! By the time she gets back with That toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!"

Kaa Rada....

2011-04-19T10:24:00.002+03:00

Mke kanunua line ya airtel amsurprise mumewe, Mume amekaa sitting room, mke akaenda jikoni akampigia mume na number mpya akasema "HALLO DARLING", Mume hakuijua number akajibu kwa sauti ya chini "KATA NTAKUPIGIA...! HII NG'OMBE YANGU IKO JIKONI"
..........Tafakari yaliofuata!

Serial Killer

2011-04-15T11:23:00.000+03:00

You know shes a stalker . . . . or a serial killer, if you wake up at 3 'o clock in the morning and shes staring at you. . . in the dark. . . . .and says. . . "You know that I love you right?"....

Engineer

2011-02-22T11:18:00.000+03:00

A software engineer was smoking.
A lady standing nearby said to him 'Can't you see the Warning, Smoking is injurious to health..'
He replied: 'We are bothered only about Errors, not Warnings!!' -> !

Identifying wasted time

2011-02-22T11:17:00.000+03:00

TO: ALL PERSONNEL
FROM: ACCOUNTING

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.

Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.

The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you,
Accounting

Attached: Extended Job-Code List
Code and Explanation
5316 Useless Meeting

5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting

5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting

5319 Waiting for Break

5320 Waiting for Lunch

5321 Waiting for End of Day

5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker

5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present

5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend

5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning

5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid

5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You

5481 Buying Snack

5482 Eating Snack

5500 Filling Out Timesheet

5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries

5502 Waiting for Something to Happen

5503 Scratching Yourself

5504 Sleeping

5510 Feeling Bored

5511 Feeling Horny

5600 Complaining About Lousy Job

5601 Complaining About Low Pay

5602 Complaining About Long Hours

5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)

5604 Complaining About Boss

5605 Complaining About Personal Problems

5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining

5701 Not Actually Present At Job

5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu

6102 Ordering Out

6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive

6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food

6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit

6201 Stealing Company Goods

6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods

6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls

6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods

6205 Hiding from Boss

6206 Gossip

6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)

6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself

6211 Updating Resume

6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter

6213 Out of Office on Interview

6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching

6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job

6223 Pretending You Like Coworker

6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks

6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing

6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl

6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)

6602 Complaining

6603 Writing a Book on Company Time

6611 Staring Into Space

6612 Staring At Computer Screen

6615 Transcendental Meditation

7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)

7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone

7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone

7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone

7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone

7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone

7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone

7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone

7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone

7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone

7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity

8000 Recreational Drug Use

8001 Non-recreational Drug Use

8002 Liquid Lunch

8100 Reading e-mail

Blessed and Wonderful moments

2011-02-22T11:16:00.000+03:00

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?! Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!" "GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

Mommy, Is God Black or White?

2011-02-02T12:10:00.001+03:00

One day Little Johnny walks up to his Mom and says, "Mommy, is God Black or White?"

She replies, "Well, Honey, God is both Black and White."

Then he says, "Mommy, is God a boy or a girl?"

"God is both a boy and a girl, Honey," she replies.

"Mommy, is God gay or straight?" he inquires again.

Getting a little irritated, the mother replies, "Well, Honey, God is both gay and straight."

After thinking for a moment, Johnny looks up and asks, "Mommy, is God Michael Jackson?"

Little Johnny Wants Some Ice Cream

2011-02-02T12:06:00.000+03:00

Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away Johnny! You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with." Trying to placate him, she says, "OK, I'll play with you. What do you want to play?" He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy."

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?" Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down." Figuring that she can easily control the situation, she goes upstairs.

Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his father's old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises up and says, "What do I do now?" In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

Advice From Dad

2011-02-01T09:23:00.001+03:00

A young boy and his dad went out fishing one fine morning. After a few quiet hours out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him. He looked up at his dad and asked "How do fish breath under water?"

His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, "I really don't know, son."

The boy sat quietly from another moment, then turned back to his dad and asked, "How does our boat float on the water?"

Once again his dad replied, "Don’t know, son."

Pondering his thoughts again, a short while later, the boy asks "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, his dad replied. "Don’t know, son."

The inquisitive boy, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time "Dad, do you mind that I'm asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not son." replied his dad, "How else are you ever going to learn anything?"

I Just Want You To Hold Me

2011-02-01T09:21:00.000+03:00

I haven't quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never really figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't fee like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT? WHAT WAS THAT?"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

Guilty Howard

2010-07-06T07:56:00.001+03:00

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of shame was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him - "Howard, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last. And, you're single. So just let it go." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality. "Howard, you're a Veterinarian..."

Think Carefully Before Speaking

2010-05-27T10:45:00.000+03:00

WIFE: "If I died, would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Of course not!"
WIFE: "No? Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do!!!"
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Alright, I would."
WIFE (looking hurtful): "You would?"
HUSBAND: "I would, but only because it was so good with you."
WIFE: "And you'd sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would you want us to sleep?"
WIFE: "And you'd replace all my photographs with hers?"
HUSBAND: "Yes, it's only natural, I guess."
WIFE: "And she'd use my car?"
HUSBAND: "No. She can't drive."
WIFE: (silence)
HUSBAND: "Oh F***!"

Mrs. Jones, Do You Know Me?

2010-05-24T10:45:00.000+03:00

A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

Halloween Costume Party

2010-05-20T12:13:00.000+03:00

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain; and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you.... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

Things to do in the elevator

2010-05-18T10:09:00.001+03:00

1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.

5) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, &quotHi Greg. How's your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, & quot That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an apointment.

9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, & quot Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, &quotIt's okay, don't panic, they open again!"

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, & quot Group Hug!& quot and then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, & quot Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, & quot Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, & quot Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, & quot I have new socks on

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passnegers, & quot This is MY personal space"

The Bear, The Rabbit & The Magic Frog

2010-05-17T08:29:00.000+03:00

Once there was a rabbit and a bear living in a forest. One day, they went out for a walk and came across a magical golden frog. The frog told them that he will grant them three wishes each, which got the rabbit and the bear very excited. The bear proceeded to tell the frog his first request. He said, "I wish that all the bears in this forest were female, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted. Then it was the rabbit's turn and he said, "I wish for a racing bike helmet." POOF! His wish was granted. The bear hesitated, thought for a moment and then said, "I wish all the bears in the neighboring forests were female too, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted. The rabbit already knew what he wanted, and uttered, "I wish for a motorcycle." POOF! His wish was granted. The frog broke in and said, "Now hurry up, I must be on my way. And, may I add, choose your last wish carefully!!" The bear said, "Alright, I know my last wish. I wish all the bears in the world were female, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted. The rabbit thought for a while, put on his helmet, and got on his motorcycle. A smirk appeared on his face as he revved the motor and shouted, "I wish the bear was gay." Poof! And the rabbit rode off.

Guy On The Island

2010-05-13T10:17:00.001+03:00

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands. "Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain. "I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."

Speeding Blonde

2010-05-12T16:14:00.000+03:00

A Police car pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway.
Glancing at the car he was astonished to see that the blond behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the cop rolled down his window and shouted "Pullover!".
The blonde rolled down her wi...ndow and yelled back "No, it's a scarf!".

The Atheist Teacher

2010-05-12T11:19:00.000+03:00

A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not an atheist."
Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a Christian."
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.
"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly.
"What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
She paused, and smiled. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be an atheist."

The Great Debate

2010-05-11T11:30:00.000+03:00

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.
The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a "silent" debate.
On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and said, "I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay."
Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking what happened. "Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me, 'You Jews have three days to get out of here.' So I said to him, 'Up yours'. Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews ... we stay right here!" "And then?" asked a woman. "Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe. "We broke for lunch."

A Rude Drunk

2010-05-10T12:14:00.001+03:00

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

Chinese detective

2010-05-10T12:11:00.001+03:00

A guy suspected that his wife was cheating on him, so he hired a Chinese detective... The cheapest one he could find.

This is his report:

Most honorable sir,

You leave house. I watch house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he.. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I no see.

No fee,
Cheng Lee

Mama Needs A New Pair of Shoes

2010-05-07T15:19:00.001+03:00

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement.

Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Dang it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

British Hospitality

2010-05-07T15:16:00.000+03:00

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."

The wagon

2010-05-07T12:33:00.001+03:00

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of wheat on the road. The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate. "Hey, Willis," he called out, "forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I'll help you overturn the wagon." "That's very nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Dad would like me to." "Aw, come on, son!" the farmer insisted. "Well, OK," the boy finally agreed, "but Dad won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked the host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Dad's going to be real upset." "Don't be silly!" said the neighbor. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon," replied Willis.

Guilty Howard

2010-05-06T11:32:00.000+03:00

Forgot her name...

2010-05-05T14:12:00.000+03:00

An elderly gentleman and his wife were invited to their equally elderly friends' home for dinner one evening. The elderly gentleman was impressed by the way his host preceded every conversation with his wife, with endearing terms like “Honey”, “My love”, “Darling”, “Sweetheart”,
“Pumpkin”, etc. The couple had been married for almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still
very much in love.

While their wives were in the kitchen, the guest leaned over and said to his host, “It is wonderful that after all these years you still address your wife with those loving pet names. I envy you.”

The old man leaned towards his guest and whispered, “Let me tell you the truth. I forgot her name about 10 years ago! But don't tell your wife”

3 old ladies

2010-05-05T11:17:00.001+03:00

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood!" as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

Married Bar Talk

2010-05-04T12:00:00.000+03:00

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' ... and she always acts like she's sound asleep!"

Chinese Sick Day

2010-05-04T11:59:00.000+03:00

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her I want sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon... You got nice house."

Sunday School Lesson

2010-05-04T11:46:00.000+03:00

Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me Janice, who created the universe?" When Janice didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good" and Janice fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, "Who is our Lord and Saviour." But, Janice didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good," and Janice fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Janice jumped up and shouted, "If you stick me with that thing one more time, I'll break it in half and stick it up your ass!"

... the teacher fainted!

Need A Bad Day to Get Into Heaven

2010-05-04T11:33:00.000+03:00

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony ofthe apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

All The Thanks I Need

2010-05-04T10:14:00.000+03:00

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Taken for a ride

2010-05-03T15:25:00.000+03:00

John was driving home late one night when he picked up a hitchhiker. As they rode along he began to be suspicious of his passenger. John checked to see if his wallet was safe in the pocket of his coat that was on the seat between them, but it wasn't there! So he slammed on the brakes, ordered the hitchhiker out, and said, "Hand over the wallet immediately!" The frightened hitchhiker handed over a billfold, and John drove off. When he arrived home, he started to tell his wife about the experience, but she interrupted him, saying, "Before I forget, John, do you know that you left your wallet at home this morning?"

Confidence

2010-04-29T11:12:00.001+03:00

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very
attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at
his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replies, 'I just bought this state-...of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.'

The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'

'It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,' he explains.

'What's it telling you now?'

'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...'

The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!'

The man explains, 'Damn thing must be an hour fast.'

Got Any Grapes

2010-04-29T11:04:00.001+03:00

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''
Confused, the bartender says no.
''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''

kibanda language

2010-03-25T11:50:00.000+03:00

So you have all have been to the mighty kibanda for a selection of mouth watering dishes, but most of you guyz barely understand the logistics of operations there, leave alone the street language.

So here's a compilation of some of the delicacies available on demand- in kibanda language;

1. Chapati dunga - this is where a chapati is rolled and pierced with a fork

2.Chapati dondosa - this is where a chapati is served whole and served while floating on thick soup.

3. Chapati msalaba - this is where a chapati is sliced into four equal quarters. The cuttings resemble a cross

4. Chapati kifagio- this is where a chapati is sliced into thin many vertical strips

5. Chapati chafua- this is where a chapati is sliced into many piecesas possible. Usually they are sliced into squares that are approximately 3.5 centimeteres squared (do the math)

6. Chapati mbao/ chapati mawe - this is a dry chapati, those that break easily like a piece of wood

7. Ugali saucer/ wembe/discount- that one i know you know

8. Ugali mlima- this is an enourmous chunk of ugali served only to professionals and is usually served with a warning. "ukikosa kuimaliza, utaongeza kumi".

9. Tumbukiza - this is where meat is overboiled until the meat is very soft. Usually served without salt. Tumbukiza special has no bones

10. Kahawa kifo- so you have done kahawa chungu! This is worse. It usually contains lots of "kahawa no 1" and is overboiled till its black. its then served without sugar. Its literally burnt coffee

11. Kaa ndani- this is where a mandazi is made an incision at the sideand a delicacy inserted inside of it. So kaa ndani ya sausage is a mandazi with a sausage in it.

12. Jembe ya meno- toothpick

13. Samaki cassette- this is fish which has bones in it. Its served whole whereby a person starts eating it on one side( side A ). Once done, its then turned to the other side (side B). A successful completed eating mission is certified once the only thing left on the plate are intact bones of the fish and the head.

14. Karara- chapati nusu

15. Combat- Githeri

16. Mix/ missile / kadhalika- this is mchanganyiko of everything on the soup menu. Involves madondo, sukuma, nyama, ndengu etc. Na inasemwa na style, so dont go ati nipatie missile 20!It goes like "haya, hebu nibonde na chapo mix ya kau fourty, na ikuje chapchap kabla niachwe na ndege.

17. Teargas- pilipili

18. C.N.N...Chapati Nne Ndengu

19. U.S.A...Ugali Sukuma Avocado

20. Chapati Marashi….Where chapo is passed over beef stew ndio inuke kamanyama

21. Githeri Migingo...This is githeri that has just 1 potato at the middle

22. The award winning combination from K.M (Kariokor ya K.U) .... '1.5 stage yote' - that is one & a half chapatis, plus every form of stew made that day...ndengu, mboco,sukuma,cabbage,nyama
piece tatu, soup etc etc)

Just For Laughs - The Miracle of Toliet Paper (Funny!)

2010-03-24T16:20:00.000+03:00

Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of romantically telling me this is not true, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your Breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds every day!"

Willing to try anything, I got a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he said, "Worked for your bum, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man!

Mutegi

2010-02-09T10:15:00.000+03:00

My next-door neighbour Mutegi had an argument with his wife who got too angry, packed her bags and went back to her parents home.Unfortunately for her, she had to pass her husband's home everyday as she went to and from work and even to the shops. Days passed and still Mrs Mutegi did not go back to her house until M'Mutegi realized that she was not coming back and he decided to go to Nakumatt.

When he got to Nakumatt, he bought five XXL ladies panties in five different colours. Then here comes Mutegi 's wife passing by her house going to her parents home only to see one XXL Red panty hanging from the wash line.......she pretends to ignore it!

The following day there is a XXL Pink panty hanging on the line.....she once again pretends to ignore it but she is fuming inside.

The next morning there is a Blue panty hanging on the line and guess what , she couldn't hold it any longer.......... Mutegi sees his fuming wife approaching him, " Baba Nkoru .........no fat woman of yours will make me leave my home, I am back.........."

How to Impress a Woman/Man

2009-12-09T09:46:00.002+03:00

How to Impress a Woman:
compliment her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
listen to her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her.

How to Impress a Man:
show up naked,
bring beer.

Speaking a Woman's Language

2009-12-09T09:44:00.000+03:00

CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
... without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.

I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
... just not in that way.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
There's no way I'm letting you think this is a date.

OH YES! RIGHT THERE!
Well, near there, I just want to get this over with.

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna get drunk and make fun of you and your friends.

MAD COW

2009-11-11T10:39:00.001+03:00

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a rather primitive farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow Disease.

The Lady: Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?

The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: Do you know that a bull has sex with a Cow only once a year?

The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed): Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow Disease?

The Farmer: And, madam, do you know that we milk a Cow twice a day?

The reporter: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about, Getting to the point?

The Farmer: I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, Couldn’t you get mad?

Little Johnny’s Playing Partner

2009-11-10T14:09:00.001+03:00

Little Johnny is walking down the hall when he hears a noise from his parents room. He knocks on the door and asks his mom what’s going on. “Playing cards,” she replies. “Who’s your partner?” asked little johnny. “Your father!”

Content with his answer, Little Johnny walks further down the hall towards his room when he hears the same noise coming from his sister’s room. Again, he knocks on the door and asked his sister what was she doing. “Playing cards.” “With who?” he asks. ”My boyfriend!” she says.

A short while later, Little Johnny’s father is walking down the hall and hears a noise coming from Little Johnny’s room. He knocks on the door and asks ”What are you doing?” “Playing cards!” replied Johnny. ”Who’s your partner?” asked his father…

Little Johnny answers promptly, “With a hand like this who needs a partner?”

A Blues For Carol

2009-11-10T13:08:00.003+03:00

A Blues for Carol --

Say baby, can I be your slave
I’ve got to admit girl, you’re the shit girl
And I’m diggin’ you like a grave
Now do they call you daughter to the spinnin post, or
Or maybe Queen of 2,000 moons
Sister to the distant, yet risin’ star
Is your name Yimmy-Ya
Oh hell nah, it’s got to be Oshun
Ooo, is that a smile me put on your face child
Wide as a field of Jasmine and Glover
Talk that talk honey, walk that walk money
Hound legs that’ll spank Jehovah
Shit, who am I?
It’s not important
But they call me brother to the Night
And right now
I’m the blues in your left thigh
Tryin to become the funk in your right

Who am I?
I’ll be whoever you say
But right now, I’m the sight raped hunter
Blindly pursuing you as my prey
And I just wanna give you injections, of sublime erections
And get you to dance to my rhythm
Make you dream archaetypes, of black angels in flight
Upon wings, of distorted, contorted, metaphoric jism
Come on slim
Fuck yo’ man, I ain’t worried about him
It’s you who I wanna step to my scene
Cause rather than deal with the fallacy
Of this dry ass reality
I rather dance and romance your sweet ass, in a wet dream
Who am I?
Well they all call me brother to the Night
And right now, I’m the blues in your left thigh
Trying to become the funk in your right
Is that alright

Bikers

2009-10-20T12:30:00.001+03:00

A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the
front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the
butt of the other.

"So what's going on here?" he a...sks.

The biker replies, "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit."

The cop says, "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his throat."

The biker replies, "That's what I'm going to do next!"

Dinner party

2009-10-20T12:26:00.001+03:00

A new employee was invited to the boss's house for dinner, as a way of
welcoming him into the company. After they had eaten a large meal, the
new employee leaned sideways on his chair and let an almighty fart at
the dinner table.

The boss, with a lo...ok of disgust, turned to the man and said, "How dare
you fart before my wife?!"

The guy replied, "Sorry - I didn't realize it was her turn!"

The pastor’s Ass

2009-10-09T09:10:00.000+03:00

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read;

PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race…

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey..

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby Convent..

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted!

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for 10$.

The next day the papers read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR 10$.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

Machine Wash -vs- Hand Wash

2009-10-08T12:24:00.000+03:00

A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "having sex."This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept.

Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They "did the laundry" 5 times that first night. In the middle of the night the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired. She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning.

A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again. She gently shook him and said, "Honey, I'm sorry I denied you... We can do the laundry again if you want,"

He replied, "That's ok... It was a small load... I did it by hand."

Hahahahaha!

Never Saw It This Way

2009-09-24T14:33:00.000+03:00

IN PRISON ... you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK ... you spend the majority of your time in one 6x8.
IN PRISON ... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK ... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON ... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK ... you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON ... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK ... you carry around a security card and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON ... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK ... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON ... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK ... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON ... they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK ... you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON ... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK ... they are called managers.
IN PRISON ... all expenses are paid by taxpayers; no work is required.
AT WORK ... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON ... you spend your life looking through bars from the inside, wanting to get out.
AT WORK ... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

Dear Alcohol

2009-09-23T15:59:00.000+03:00

Dear Alcohol

First let me say that I’m a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you’re even around at the holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we’re stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings).

However, lately I’ve been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls and text messages: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation after 2 a.m. can have much substance or necessity. Why would you make me call my ex’s? Especially when I know, for a fact, they DO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I’m an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you’re subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me to fall down. It’s completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening’s debauchery may be in order. But, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out (face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever), the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You’ve been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter and the needed companion when I just don’t know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday 3 p.m. (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions. And hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your Biggest Fan

Technology not for Geezers

2009-09-17T11:41:00.001+03:00

You are on a crowded bus when you suddenly realize... you need to fart… The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.
You let go about 5 strong and loud ones back to back. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you remember: you've been listening to your iPod

A Marriage Made In Heaven

2009-08-12T10:55:00.001+03:00

One rainy Sunday afternoon, a young couple were on their way to their Church to get married. On the way there, their car lost control and slammed into a telephone pole – killing them both instantly.

The couple soon found themselves standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, welcoming them to Heaven. The young woman asks Peter if they could get married in Heaven, since their time on Earth was cut short. He replies that he’ll get back with them on that request.

A month later, St. Peter finds them and announces that they can – in fact – get arried in Heaven. To his suprise, the woman asks “Just wondering, if things don’t work out will we be able to get a divorce?”

With a stern look in his eye, Peter blurts out “Look lady, it took me a month to find a preacher up here… you really think I’m gonna find a lawyer?”

No immediate ruling in Jackson cause of death

2009-06-27T09:06:00.001+03:00

Police are looking for Michael Jackson's personal physician but have been unable to contact him, they said Friday. The doctor's car was towed from Jackson's home Thursday and impounded, authorities said.

The car may contain "medications pertinent to the investigation" into Jackson's death, said detective Agustin Villanueva of Los Angeles Police Department.

Police did not release the doctors name.

Authorities said Friday the cause of Michael Jackson's death will not be determined officially for weeks.

The superstar's sudden death Thursday at age 50 left a family devastated, an industry stunned and legions of fans lost. It also left a glaring question: What happened?

"The likelihood is very slim that we will have any results to release today because of the extensive level of the tests that we're going to be performing," said Ed Winter, assistant chief of the Los Angeles coroners office.

The results of toxicology tests are expected in six to eight weeks, he said, adding that the cause of death will be determined when all results come in.

Initial autopsy results could show whether Jackson had an underlying heart condition, medical experts say.

There are questions over whether Jackson's death may have involved medication.

Brian Oxman, a former attorney for the Jackson family who was with the family in the hospital emergency room on Thursday, told CNN he had been concerned about medications the pop star was taking.

"I talked to this family about it, I warned them. I said that Michael is overmedicating and that I did not want to see this kind of a case develop," Oxman told CNN's "American Morning" on Friday.

He referred to Anna Nicole Smith, the former model and reality TV show star who died of an overdose in 2007.

"I said, 'If that's what's going to happen to Michael, it's all going to break our hearts.' And my worst fears are here."

Oxman emphasized that he does not know what killed Jackson, and was not making accusations against any individual.

Jackson was in apparent cardiac arrest when paramedics rushed him Thursday from his home to Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center, where a team of physicians tried to resuscitate him for more than an hour, according to Jackson's brother Jermaine. He said the music idol was pronounced dead at 2:26 p.m.

The night before he had complained of not feeling well, brother Marlon Jackson said.

He told CNN on Thursday about his conversation with Jackson's manager Frank Dileo. On Wednesday night, Jackson said he was not feeling well, so his doctor went to see him. "Frank said, 'Marlon, from last night to this morning, I don't know what happened.' When they got to him this morning, he wasn't breathing."

The troubled icon had been preparing for a comeback tour, aimed at extending his legendary career and helping to pay off hundreds of millions of dollars in debt.

Michael Jackson began his professional work at age 5, singing with his brothers before shooting to superstardom as a solo artist. He had numerous No. 1 hits, the best known being "Thriller."

"Thriller" was the best-selling album of all time, at an estimated 50 million copies worldwide.

After dominating the popular music scene for years, Jackson became reclusive and mired in scandals that included child molestation charges. He was acquitted after a highly publicized trial in Santa Maria, California, in March 2006.

Last year, Jackson announced a comeback tour that was to start in July. When some of the shows were postponed till next year, rumors spread that the entertainer was weak and suffering from skin cancer.

But Marlon Jackson said he last saw his younger brother at a May 14 family gathering and he "looked great."

"He was looking well. He was getting ready to go into rehearsals for his tour. I don't know what happened," Marlon Jackson said.

The most famous of Michael Jackson's eight siblings, Janet, issued a statement through her manager.

"Janet Jackson is grief-stricken and devastated at the sudden loss of her brother," said Kenneth Crear. "She is ... flying immediately to California to be with her family."

A large crowd gathered outside the hospital, while in New York a huge crowd gathered outside the Apollo Theater.

Around the world, fans reacted with sadness. iReport.com: Share your Michael Jackson memories

Some, including actress Elizabeth Taylor and musician Stevie Wonder, were too distraught to issue statements.

Producer Quincy Jones, who helped Jackson craft his hit albums "Off the Wall" and "Thriller," said, "I am absolutely devastated at this tragic and unexpected news.

"For Michael to be taken away from us so suddenly at such a young age, I just don't have the words," Jones added in a statement.

Jackson's music continues to be heard throughout the world "because he had it all -- talent, grace, professionalism and dedication," Jones said. He called Jackson a consummate entertainer, whose legacy will be felt around the world.

"I've lost my little brother today and part of my soul has gone with him," Jones said.

Berry Gordy, producer and founder of Motown Records, said Jackson's death was "like a bad dream."

"As a kid, Michael was always beyond his years. He was an innovator. He was a genius at what he did," Gordy said. "He had a knowingness about him. At 9 years old, when I first started working with him, he seemed to me like he had been here before. He was just so knowledgeable about life."

Jackson's former wife, Lisa Marie Presley, said she was "shocked and saddened" by his death.

"My heart goes out to his children and his family," she said.

Jackson is survived by his three children, Prince Michael I, Paris and Prince Michael II.

MR. OMWAMI

2009-06-23T13:15:00.000+03:00

Omwami bought a new mobile.
He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said,
'My Mobile No. Has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'

============ ========= ========= ======
Omwami: I am Proud, coz my son is in Medical College .
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
Omwami: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.
============ ========= ========= ========= ===
Omwami: Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Omwami : Can I take it tomorrow, tonight is the final game.
============ ========= ========= ========= ====
Omwami : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Omwami : No, I'll also stay with your sister.
============ ========= ========= ========= ==
Omwami : People consider me as a 'GOD'
Wife: How do you know??
Omwami : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD! U have come again..
============ ========= ========= ========= ====
Omwami complained to the police: 'Sir, all items are missing, except the TV in my house.'
Police: 'How come the thief did not take TV?'
Omwami : 'I was watching TV news...'
============ ========= ========= ========= ==
Omwami comes back 2 his car & find a note saying 'Parking Fine'
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for the compliment.'
============ ========= ========= ========= ======
How do you recognize Omwami in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.
============ ========= ========= ========= ========
Once Omwami was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast ann ounced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Omwami in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and
Says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ===
Omwami : Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup

Omwami - If only the winner will get the cup, why are others running?

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ===
Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense
Omwami : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =====
Omwami told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'
Servant: 'It's already raining.'

Omwami: 'So what? Take an umbrella and go.'

Little Johnny... Finding Jesus

2009-06-16T18:09:00.000+03:00

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

The Chinese Investigator

2009-06-16T11:29:00.000+03:00

(Read in your best chinese accent)

A man hires a chinese Private Investigator, Chen Lee, to watch his wife .

A few days later the man gets this report:
Sir.
I watch house.
You leave house.
He came to house.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she go hotel.
I climb tree and look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip.
She strip.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
I fall out tree.
I not see.
No fee.

Chen Lee.
Weely Sollee.

Meaning of Period

2009-06-10T15:27:00.001+03:00

Teacher: Do u know the importance of period?

Kid: yes, once ma sis said she had missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack and our driver ran away

LIFE TIPS

2009-05-29T09:19:00.000+03:00

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said,
I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case,
things aren't well.
I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber.

There were some laughs and more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as
to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, '

Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told
your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

Because I don't want any of those b*tches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.

Why people like going to church

2009-05-27T16:35:00.000+03:00

Preacher said: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and
throw it into the river"..
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in
the river".
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world, I'd take it all
and throw it in the river".
Again thecongregation cried, "Amen!"

The preacher sat down.

The deacon then stood up & said:
"For our closing hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our hymn books and
sing,
'We shall drink from that river'". THE CONGREGATION SCREAMED HALLELUJAH!!!!!

Vicheke Kidogo

2009-05-21T07:51:00.002+03:00

Condom says to Pad "When you work, I lose seven days of business."

Padreplies, "If you fail to work once, my business stops for Nine

months!"

**************************************

A camel and an elephant met, and the elephant asked: "Why do you have

your boobs on your back?"

The camel responded: "What a silly question from someone who has a dick

on his face!"

*************************************

A black guy and a white girl met at a niteclub. She took him to her

apartment and said: "Tie me to the bed and do what black men do

best!"...

So he ran off with the TV and DVD Player...

*********************************

Wife: "I wish I was a newspaper, so that you could hold me every

morning!"

Husband: " Me too, my dear, so that I can have a NEW ONE every

morning!"

**********************************

A Chinese couple got married. When the baby was born, her eyes were big

and blue, hair was curly and blonde, skin was brown. Finally, name of

baby was SUM TING LONG ("some thing wrong")

*******************************

A lady visited her doctor one morning. Doc said: "You look so weak and

Exhausted!

Are you eating your meals 3 times a day as I advised?

Lady: "Doc, I thought you said 3 males a day!"

New: Drive-In ATMs - Male & Female How-to...

2009-05-19T18:57:00.000+03:00

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.
Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

**************************

*****
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4.. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Kenya Police vs GSU vs CID

2009-05-18T14:00:00.002+03:00

The regular Kenya Police, the no-nonsense paramilitary General Service Unit (GSU) & the CID are all trying to prove to the Coalition Government that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

President Kibaki and Prime Minister Raila decide to give them a test. They release a rabbit into Karura forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CID goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The GSU goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The Kenya police goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten Monkey.

The Monkey is yelling, "Okay!! Okay!! I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"

Kikuyu Mind

2009-05-11T08:47:00.001+03:00

A KIKUYU man walks into a bank in NAIROBI City and asks for the loan
officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to DUBAI on
business for two weeks and needs to borrow KSH 5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of
security for the loan, so the KIKUYU man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari
parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and
everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for
the loan.

The bank's president and its officers ( luo) all enjoy a good laugh at the
KIKUYU for using a KSH 1,500,000 Ferrari as collateral against a KSH 5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the KIKUYU returns, repays the KSH 5,000 and the
interest,which comes to KSH 150.41.The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy
to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely
but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and
found that you are a multi millionaire.. What puzzles us is, why would you
bother to borrow "KSH 5,000"

The KIKUYU replies: "Where else in NAIROBI can I park my car for
two weeks for only KSH 150.41 and expect it to be there when I return'"

Ah, the mind of the KIKUYU ...

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

2009-05-06T07:59:00.002+03:00

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too sicky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. !

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes!

No wonder men are happier.Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too sicky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. !

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes!

No wonder men are happier.

Understanding Cricket

2009-04-21T07:50:00.001+03:00

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in.

Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out.

When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out. ...

When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in.

There are two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out.

When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game!

Please don’t laugh

2009-04-16T09:31:00.001+03:00

A guy goes to visit his doctor. Here is the conversation
that ensued.

"Don't laugh!" said the patient.
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor
said. "I'm a professional. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a
patient."

"Okay then," the patient said, and
proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the
doctor had ever seen.

It couldn't have been bigger than the size of
an AAA battery. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and
then fell laughing to the floor.

Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his
feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," said the doctor.
"I really am. I don't know what came
over me. On my honour as a doctor and a
gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now ... what seems to be
the problem?"

"It's swollen," the patient replied.
The doctor fainted!

The camel

2009-04-08T11:08:00.001+03:00

One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander. During the new commanders first inspection everything checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp. The commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman there so they use the camel. The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent. The men did, and he went to work on it. After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his pants and said, "So is that how the other men do it?" One of the men responded, "No we usually just use the camel to ride into town."