Memorable Jokes

A source of Good humor, Jokes, Funny pictures and giggles and through laughter we can lead the world to health, happiness, and peace.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Never be rude to anyone.

An American tourist asked a boat guy in Zanzibar,  Do you know Biology, Psychology, Geography, Geology and Criminology?

The boat guy said "no l don't know any of these".


The tourist then said "What the hell do you know on the face of this earth,  You will die of illiteracy!"


The boat guy said nothing, after a while the boat developed a fault and started sinking. The boatman then asked the tourist, "Do you
know Swimology and Escapology from Crocodilogy?".

The tourist said, "No!"


The boat guy replied, "Well today you will Drownology and Crocodilogy will eat your Assology.  I will not Helpology and you will

Dieology because of your Badmouthology."

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Dope

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, 'You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday.'

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, 'How did you do over the weekend?'

'Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.'
'Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it?'

'I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.'

'That's admirable,' says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. 'And how did you do?'

'Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.'

'Wow!' says the judge. '156 people! How did you manage to do that?'

'Well, I used a similar diagram,' the guy says. 'I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison..................

Thursday, March 08, 2012

Why Women cry!

A little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry. Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?" God said: "When I made the woman she had to be special.

I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.

I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.

I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.

I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.

I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.

I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.

And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."

"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."

Happy Womens Day!!!

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Valentine

Man : Habari ya nyina wa Kamau
Woman : *sneers* Mzuri. Wapi Maua?
Man : Ati maua?
Woman : *Slap* Kwani nimesema OMO?
Man : Sasa ni nini nyina wa Kamau?
... Woman : Nimekuuliza wapi maua!
Man : Eeee ... Nimesahau.
Woman : *Slap* Wapi? Hapa nje! *Slap* Umesahau
wapi?
Man : Wuuui. Sasa ni nini? Si maua nitaleta siku nyingine?
Woman : Kesho? *Slap* Leo unajua ni siku gani?
Man : Woooi! Falentine! Falentine!
Woman : Na maua iko wapi?
Man : Eeeee.... Sikupata saa ya kwenda kununua
Woman : *Slap* Kwani ulikuwa unaenda kuchukua
Kismayu? Eh?
Man : Sasa ni nini nyina wa kamau. Si nilikua na kazi
mingi...
Woman : *Slap* Hata malaya hukuwa na free time!
Kwani hii kazi kambuni yako wanafanya wanafanyianga
kwa mgongo yako ati ukiinuka kazi itamwagika?
Man : Sio hivyo.
Woman : Na maua iko wapi?
Man : Sasa haki nyina wa Kamau unataka nifanye nini?
Woman : Mimi nataka maua sijui kama utapanda
ukojolee mpaka imee. Nataka maua. Iko wapi maua
yangu?
Man : Ngai, sasa na ni saa tano ya usiku nitatoa wapi?
Woman : *Slap* Unaniuliza mimi? Ushawahi niona
nikiuza maua, eh? *Slap* Toka ulete maua! Jinga wewe!

Friday, January 27, 2012

Hearty breakfast

A Kenyan is enjoying a hearty breakfast - bacon, eggs, coffee, croissant; toast, butter, jam, etc. when an American, chewing gum, sits next to him and starts an unwanted conversation:-

American: You Kenyans eat the whole bread?
Kenyan: Of course.
American (blowing a bubble with his gum): We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle, rebake them ...into croissants and sell them to Kenya.

Kenyan: Oh Really?
American: Do ya eat jam with the bread?
Kenyan: Of course.
American (chuckling and crackling his gum between his teeth): We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, put all the peels, seeds and left overs into containers, recycle them into jam and sell it to Kenya.

Kenyan: Do you have sex in America?
American: Of course we do.
Kenyan: And what do you do with the condoms?
American: Throw them away of course.
Kenyan: We don't. We pack them into containers, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to America.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

CHIKU! Never again try to bust a dr.

AKINYI: hello, shiko i think my husband is cheating on me

SHIKO: why do u think so? whats his name and what does he do?

AKINYI: his name is Ombewa, he is a pharmacist at umoja and i found sweet messages in his phone from a lady called beatrice

SHIKO: ok lets find out if hes really cheating on u *ring ring….ri ng…ring*

OMBEWA: hallo.. .the digits being displayed on my android 2960 as incoming are foreign to my records, which assembly of co-joined alphabetical letters shall i embed to the person seeking my audience via the cellular?

SHIKO: hello mr. ombewa, my name is sharon from the safaricom shinda na milli promotions and i woud lo….

OMBEWA: pardon my interjection but substitute the prefix Mr. with “Dr.” b4 uttering my name as this will avoid confusion with other ombewa’s and appreciate the years i sacrificed in attaining that status. it is of paramount importance that i percieve this conversation to be channelled only in my direction.

SHIKO: ok dr. ombewa, im sharon from safaricom shinda na amilli and im pleased to inform u that u have won a vacation for two this weekend at mombasa..

OMBEWA: finally safaricom has recognised the reasoning behind their hug profit margins steming from the bulk calls i instigate for both local and international. i accord ur gesture with hospitality. .. SHIKO: ok so i would like the name and details of the person u will be taking to the trip OMBEWA: where they seek her name, just scribble the words “Dr. ombewa’s companion”

SHIKO: sorry sir, but we actually need a name

OMBEWA: Beatrice njeri

SHIKO: ok, thank u sir… i want u to talk to the show promoter so that she can give u the details for ur trip to coast *shiko connects akinyi*

AKINYI: ombewa wewe…huyooo beatrcice kwisakuwa nani?

OMBEWA: ur promoters vocal cords transmit sound in the replicas of my wifes tone. thats astounding

SHIKO: ombewa naitwa shiko, from classic 105..hii ni busted..

OMBEWA: u alerted me that u r sharon from safaricom, now shiko from classic 105. subjecting my experience in the field of pharmacetuals and doctorate to practice i can deduce that u are suffering from multi-personality dis- order. i can prescribe u some recomendable medications for ur ailments AKINYI:wewe ombewa kwisa-acha kutangatanga na maneno, ni mimi bibi yako akinyi ambayo wewe naangalia wasichana wengine nyuma yake

OMBEWA: akinyi, nyar-loka.. yawaa u achieved a job at safaricom as the promoter?..with ur education tht is remarkable

AKINYI: propaganda hawesi kusaidia sai, ambia mimi beatrcice kwisakuwa nani?

OMBEWA: akinyi yawaaa, beatrice is just patient i treated and this un-expecte d trip to mombasa was just an avenue to assist in her recuparation via therapy

AKINYI: hawesi danganya mimi kama mtoto, Unataka ata mimi nihanye sasa. si ni cha hivyo. si ni tit for tat

OMBEWA: yawaaa nyaber do not retaliate in that manner. i detar u to expose that which is matrimonially exclusive to my corneas

AKINYI: ata mimi apana taka wewe sasa….en da na hiyo ndogo ndogo yako na hapana rudi kwa nyumba yangu

OMBEWA: u cannot decree a personna non grata upon me as regards to my dwelling. i am the one who remunerates the landlord on a monthly basis

SHIKO: si uambie bibi yako beatrcice ni nani?

OMBEWA: first and foremost shiko this conversation is recorded on my state of the arts phone. my lawyer will comb the dialogue and sue u for impersonating a safaricom agent and causing me emotional discomfort by instigating deception upon my intellect that i have won trip to mombasa

AKINYI: ambia hiyo loya’ yako aanze kutengenezea wewe karatasi ya divos. mimi akuna mahali napelekana na wewe. wewe naesa letea mimi hayaki

SHIKO: ombewa dont u think that u shuld apologise to ur wife

OMBEWA: cease this dialogue b4 i enforce another suit against u for diminishing the voltage in my android via this misplaced conversation

AKINYI: yaani wewe bado narusa vitisho na wewe kwisasikwa na suruali chini?

OMBEWA: akinyi depart from my dwelling. you ignite cerebral discomfort everytime u spark arguments with my intellect. profits has eluded my pharmacetual business from the fact that i divert most of the medications to treat the never ending head-aches u inflict on me. i used to think that u were my missing rib that i finnaly found only to realise in the end that i ended up with OKIYA OMUTATA’S missing fibula. please go… go and locate your tibia .

Friday, January 06, 2012

Mental Hospital

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day.
All the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks,
so I looked through to see what was going on.....
Some crazy person poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'........

If u Did Not burst laughing then ur one of the patients...


Unfair

Famous luos in america

Barrack Obama is not the first famous Luo to have made it in the US , but he might be the only one who retained his Kenyan name while many others Americanized theirs. Here is a sample of those Kenyans who made it big in the US but changed their names to become more 'Americans.'

They include: Clarence Carter, Billy Ocean, Barry White, and Otis Redding.

Alicia Keys real name is Alice Akinyi, and then we have Billy Ochieng, who changed his name to Billy Ocean once he hit the American shores; and Otis Redding whose real name is Otieno Rading, comes from the Kisumu.
Brian Mac Otieno was Brian Mc night

Note they are all Luos

There may be others out there, but these are the ones who came to my mind immediately. Something common with these Kenyans is that they were/are all great musicians. If they went into politics like Obama, perhaps they would have retained their Kenyan tags. If they were preachers, they would have changed their minimally like Martin Oludhe King who changed to Martin Luther King and T.D. Jaoko who became T.D. Jakes

Thursday, January 05, 2012

Ocampo Nairobi Styro

For those of you wenye mlipitwa nayo,a nyt cracker 0.o

ocampo writes on Mwai kibaki"s wall on fb (nairobi styro)

*Luis Moreno Ocampo*>mwai kibaki kibaki
-mzeiya hii risto ya shuttle diplomacy ikatsie,unaharibu mambo

•Mike "Gwan Ting" $onko likes this.

35minutes ago nkt. Dislike.Utadoo

coments:

*mwai kibaki>KUBAFU!!!!!!kwanza naaaani alikupa ruhusa uandike kwa woro yagu?siuadike kwa woro ya ICC.MUJINGA

*Lucy kibaki>yaani @kibaki unaongeza friendz kwa fb yetu bira kuniabia,he!niukuona huaini!!Na wewe ocampo,ni kazi umekosa nkt.Kuja ukue scare crow kwa chaba yangu.

*kalonzo musyoka>Tihihihi@lucy,haki umenimaliza,tihihihi.......

*Lucy KIBAKI>Whats funny?Unaona shashir hapa?kwanza niabie chenye uliabia ranabaga juu ya kibaki ama nikubrok!

*Mwai Kibabi>Nooooo!hapanaaa@lucy,wacha kwanza afanye hiyo mambo ya deferal,harafu dio udiro naye porepore.

*joshua Arap sang>@kibaki waeza nisave doo kiasi? jo ni kubaya man.Huyu ocampo hanitakii mazuri.

Raila Odinga>Luolest@LUCY umenimada!roor!!!

*Mike "Gwan Ting" $onko>mathee(lucy) watajuaje we ndo first lady,,,hebu wachapie bwo bwo! Wagan mzito

*Lucy Kibaki>@mbuvi unaniita madhee mimi mama yako?? Mschewww

*Mike "gwan Ting" $onko> tuliza shonde madame,mi nakupiga jeki tu,mbona waniparamba hivo?jipe shughli tsatsa,nkt

*kalonzo Musyoka>tihihihihihi aki $onko unanimada tihihi lol

*Raila Odinga> heheheh am unjoying the unfolding drama,kibaki amesahau bibi ananyeshewa huku *seeps pepsi* Sonko mpe zake!

*PLO Lumumba> never under estimate the idiocy under the downfold of stupidy,you will end with a certificate that will doom your resume into a worthless peace of paper,fools #smh#

*Mike "Gwan Ting" Sonko> hehe PLO umenimada debroz hebu wachapia hawa washenzi,ata najua Kalucy hakajagitch any,kali hiyo

*Bifwoli Wokoli> PLO khandi sasa hiyo ni kisungu ama kicherumani vane?selfless itiot!@ Lucy Omulami pole pole omwana wefwe,wewe ni wetu hawa wasikutisheko khandi,lala vsuri mama #SMH# <-----(ameweka tu the initials hata hajui maana)

*Lucy Kibaki>PLO i will sue you to the standard you son of a mbitch,,,,,,,shameless man,by the way enda kura,umekoda sana,nktscare crow

*Francis Atwoli-washenzi,washenzi,washenzi!!PLO unafanya nini huku jobless corner,al block all of you except Bifwoli,Lucy naanza na wewe nkt!

*Bifwoli Wokoli>WTF!->(not knowing the meaning)-atwoli ata leo ntalala vsuri,barikiwe

*Mike "Gwan Ting" Sonko> Bifwoli we ni Cartoon Mtinguyez,ulijoin facebook lini fala wangu,kuja inbox nikuchanue haha,haiya tuende inbox(1) nktubukusu!

*Raila Odinga*> Lucy stop poking me,kama Sonko amekulemea usiniletee kisrani,am out my beautiful Idda is waiting in bed *ror!*
-(Idda Odinga and Wokoli bifwoli like this)

*Jimmy Gathungu Uhuru kenyatta>>Nijeyez ubakoo,,umeskia maujinga za Ekaterina 2kiwa icc..ujinga moja ni kutamka jina Maina Jenga,,eti MAIN AGENDA.. lol, lmfao, enyway ni accent ya walami bt am xua ntatoboa hii noma ya hague~(Eketerina Trendafilova and Moureno Ocampo like this)

*Lucy Kibaki>nyi edereeni tu,kukiederea hivi naona manyunyu ya Ocampo na mkizidi kutakuwa na mvua ya Trendafilova,may you rot in jair you sons of mbitches,period

*Kalonzo Musyoka>tihihihihi @lucy hebu washow tihihihi :p(Charity Ngilu likes this)

*
BIfwOli Wokoli>ohhh my firinjess!!!ofwana imbwa.Msondo! #smh#

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

It is Only in Nigeria

A family in Nigeria was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from the USA, sent by their sister.

The tiny corpse was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin that their mother's face was practically touching the glass cover. When they opened the coffin, they found a letter from their sister pinned to their mother's chest, which read:-

Dearest brodas and sistos, I am sending you our moda's remains for burial de in Lagos. Sorry I couldn't come along as tha expenses were so high. You will find inside de coffin, unda mama's body, 12 cans of Libby's corned beef and 12 cans of Luncheon Meat. Just share it among yourselves.

On Mama's head for Tunde's sons. Mama is wearing six Ralph Lauren T-shirts one is for Omo Roy and de rest are my nephews. Mama is also wearing one dozen Wonder Bra (your favorite) just divide it among yourselves. The 2 dozen Victoria's Secret panties dat Mama is wearing should be distributed among my nieces and cousins.

Underneath mama's body is 20 kgs of cocaine in sachets, which is worth 120 million Naira. This should take care of all of you and the unborn babies in your bodies. Don't bury her with all this fortune.

Mama is also wearing eight Docker pants - Ikeje, please get one for yourself and the rest are for the boys. The Swiss watch you asked for is on Mama's left wrist, please get it. Aunty Ifoma, mama is wearing what you asked for ie earrings, ring and necklace - please just get dem. Also, the six pairs of Chanel stockings that mama is wearing must be
>divided among the teen-age girls de I hope they like the color.

Yours loving sisto,
Nene

PS: plse take care of finding a dress for her burial since all I had dressed her in were your presents.

Afro cinema continues shortly,,,,,,


Ghost Encounter

Sam is hanging out alone in a nairobi bar on a wednesday night. At around 2am he decides to leave for his crib... No matatus ply that route at that time of the morning and so he decides to hitch a ride.

It starts to rain and then a prado stops next to him, he quickly gets into the co-drivers side and slams the door behind him. The car starts moving and just when he is about to thank the driver he discovers there is none! Sam starts to freak out but he is afraid to jump out of a moving vehicle. When the vehicle gets to a bend, a hand comes in through the driver's window and turns the steering wheel! This happens twice but on the 3rd time, Sam becomes totally freaked out and decides to jump out of the vehicle, landing into a ditch full of rain water.

He gets up and runs into a nearby bar. After downing four beers, he narrates his 'ghost' encounter to whoever who cared to listen. Just
then, three guys get into the same bar, soaked wet. Then one of them recognizes Sam, starts
laughing uncontrollably while pointing at Sam. Amid his laughing he says 'Si huyu ni yule jamaa aliingia gari tukisukuma?'

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Just for Laughs

Juzi Kibaki,Moi &Raila were kidnaped. They were taken 2 a town they dint knw. Kila mtu akaambiwa' aende anunue matunda 10 ama auliwe. Moi alikuwa wa 1st kufika na machungwa 10. Kumbe ilikuwa unawekwa hayo matunda kwa matako ama uuliwe. Moi aliwekwa 3 ya nne akaanza kulia. Raila alikuwa wa pili kufika na grapes kumi. Kwa sababu zilikuwa ndogo aliwekwa kwa urahisi lakini alipofikisha ya tisa, alicheka, zikatoka zote. Akaulizwa mbona amecheka na alikuwa karibu kumaliza? Raila akamjibu "Nimeona Kibaki akibeba watermelon kumi"...hehehe.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Kikuyus and problems (joke)

Where Kikuyus are...... there must be a problem..... and a solution in the
making.......... ........... ..

Angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said 'I have to talk to you. We have some Kikuyus up here and are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing Savco jeans instead of their white robes, they're riding pick up trucks instead of the chariots, and they're selling their halos to people for discount prices. Furthermore, they refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep crouching down midway hawking their wings! They have sub-let their mansions and are now living in the SQs. They are even attempting "atiriri" talk over here! I found some attempting to fit a carrier on the chariot for carrying "thaara wa n'gombe " (Napier grass) on their way from visits! they are even usingmpesa to send money to "andu aitu" in hell.

The Lord said, 'Kikuyus are Kikuyus. If you want to know about real problems, call the devil.'

The Devil answered the phone, 'Hello? Hold on a minute.' The Devil returned to the phone, 'OK I'm back. What can I do for you?'
Gabriel replied, 'I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're having down there.' The Devil said, 'Hold on again. I need to check on something..'

After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, 'I'm back... Now what was the question?' Gabriel said, 'What kind of problems are you having down there?' The Devil said, 'Man I don't believe
this.......Hold on.' in the background you can hear "ngai!!!"

This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes.. The Devil returned and said, 'I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those Kikuyus have put out the fire and are selling me a match box if I want to light the fire again!


Omwami

Omwami at bar in New York :
Man on his right says, 'Johnny Walker single'
Man on his left says, 'Peter Scotch single” Omwami says, 'Wekesa Johnstone Married'

***
Boss: I'm giving you a job as a driver. Starting salary is Ksh.20,000.00; is it okay?
Omwami: You are great Sir! Starting salary is okay, ...but how much is Driving salary...

***
Omwami's theory: Moon is more important than Sun, because it gives light at night when light is needed;
and Sun gives light during the day when light is not needed!!!
***

Two Omwamis are driving a car, one puts on the indicator and asks the other to check whether it’s
working. He puts his head out and says, 'YES...NO...YES...NO...YES...NO...

***
Omwami shouting to his girl friend, 'you said ati we will register marriage and cheated me. I was
waiting
4 you yesterday whole day in the post office...
***

Two Omwamis looking at Egyptian mummy:

Omwami 1: 'Look so many bandages, lorry accident case mpaya sana .'
Omwami 2: 'Eh Pwanaaa!! , lorry number is also written...BC 1760...!!!'

***
Omwami on an interview for the post of Detective:
Interviewer: 'Who killed Gandhi?'
Omwami: 'Thank you Sir for giving me the job, I will start investigating...'
***
Omwami for an exam had studied only one essay 'FRIEND', but in the exam the essay which came was
'FATHER'. He replaced friend with father in the essay and it read:
'I am a very fatherly person, I have lots of fathers, some of my fathers are male and some are
female. My true father is my neighbour.'
***

Interviewer: 'What is your qualification?'
Omwami: 'Sir I am PhD.
Interviewer: 'What do you mean by PhD?'
Omwami: (smiling) “ Passed High School with Tifficulty.'
***

Mwalimu: 'In which state does the Nyando flow?'
Omwami: “ Liquid State ...'
Audience clapped
Mwalimu stands stunned, looks behind, All were Omwamis...!




Somethin special for the Jeng's

Doctor : What happened to your arm?

Oludhe : I broke it.

Doctor : Where and How did that happen?

Oludhe : Okey. It was a normal Saturday afternoon. I was on the second floor balcony of that my house in Karen, not the one in Lavington sip...

Doctor : Is that where you broke your arm,the balcony?

Oludhe : No! no ... I was sipping that my scotch whisky slowly... you know my son recently came from the UK and he brought me some blue label. Anyway... as I continued sipping, I realised that the sun's rays were not getting directly to me, as the satellite dish was blocking them. Before I could instruct the domestic engineer to automatically turn away the dish, my butler James came up the balcony and informed me that there was this call on my social cellular phone . I reminded him to always bring the cellular up instead of calling me. As I hurried down the marble escalator ...

Doctor : I guess that is when you...

Oludhe : No, as I was going down I noticed the garage door was open and a car alarm was on. I stopped to check and indeed the new model Prado was missing. I knew Mama Akinyi my beautiful second wife had taken it. Akinyi is our second daughter, now in Boston USA and is named after my late grand mother, who passed away in 1972 after a sort illness. I have always warned Mama Akinyi never to use the 4 by 4 on weekends, because of the recent spate of car-jackings. I always advise her to either use the Mercedes 230E or the BMW 325I which are not very attractive for thugs. That reminds me, I will have to tell my secretary to call 'car-track ' first thing on Monday – Yawa! I need to update my mobility inventory with them.So as I was saying....

Doctor : (With some laughter) Yes Mr Oluthe, car theft incidences are rising and it is becoming a dangerous place. But how did you break your arm?

Oludhe : Yes I was coming to that. On my way to pick the cell tel I heard a hissing sound. I stopped to check where it was coming from. Ahh, it was from the bathroom.. Mama Akinyi, for some reason, had left the Jacuzzi on. Luckily the temp and speed were at the minimum. I usually recommend such speed and temp so that we do not overload the UPS support system , especially when our son's home theatre system is on .

Doctor : Mr Olu...

Oludhe : Just wait... So I when I picked up the phone, I said Hello, Hello...Hello, but nothing. I became upset because I think the caller from state house had disconnected, I cant understand why he didn't leave a message after the beep.All my un-answered calls including the car mobiles are automatically redirected to a CAMS system. Doc, a CAMS is a 'Central Answering Machine System '. Anyway, on my way back I did not notice the protruding wire from the satellite dish. I had on many occasions told MultiChoice to send in a qualified techni...

Doctor : ...is that where you tripped?

Oludhe : No, as I was avoiding the wire, I tripped on the Multichoice 250 channel decoder and fell on the 200 year old classical family piano..........

Doctor : Thank you. Such an expensive trip will cost you only 850.

Oludhe: hands over the money excitedly...)

Doctor : Not Kenya shillings, Dollars!

Oludhe : Aii....yawa.....then I shall write you a cheque drawn from my
overseas account with Fast Boston Bank Massachussets....you can not go
wrong on that one omera.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Only in Jamiaca

A Jamaican man walks into a supermarket, picks up a pack of Ribena and a bag of sugar. He pays for the Ribena but walks out... with the sugar. Minutes later, he's caught & later on taken to court.
Once in court, the judge asks him,
"Why did you steal sugar?" The Jamaican man replied, "Bumbaclaaarrtt!! Look pon di
back of di Ribena, it says, SUGAR FREE!!"

Imagine this story!

A bus stops and two Italian men get inside the bus. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

There is this lady sitting next to them who ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more,

'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorts indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi. '

My $5000 bet says you're gonna read this again.

Have a nice day, wont you?

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Golf

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".

Bangi

Bangi na strungi ni kitu mbaya sana,watu wa pwani mko wapi?

Fala na Otoyo baada ya kiamsha kinywa cha bangi na strungi, waliliona embe juu ya mti wakaamua
kulipopoa.Wakarusha mawe mengi sana bila kufanikiwa kuliangusha lile embe.

Fala akasema; hebu ngoja isije ikawa embe lenyewe bichi, wacha nipande juu nikalicheki.

Baada ya dakika 5, Fala akashuka chini,akamwambia

Otoyo; nimelibonyeza na limeiva vizuri kabisa,tuendelee kulipopoa mawee!!!

Maths

Friday, November 11, 2011

If uchumi changes its name

Once upon a time thea was NAKURU MATRESS - which later coverted to NAKUMATT

Then there was TUSKER MATTRESS - which later converted to TUSKYS
Then there was NAIVASHA SELF SERVICE STORES - which is now NAIVAS
I'm now afraid UCHUMI might change its name to something like UCHI ...then we'll start getting strange calls like this. 'Baybe, si leo twende shopping uchi!?'

Mulu Mutysia's speech

Mulu Mutysia's speech when the president(then Moi) visited his place


Baba wanasema Kenyatta ni hayati lakini wewe ni hayati kabisa. Nashukuru sana baba wa taifa kwa sababu ulihaidi kunya hapa ukaharisha, ukahaidi kuja hapa tena ukaharisha tena.

Lakini leo baba ujaharisha lakini umekunya wewe mwenye.

Na sasa baba vile umekunya, nataka nikuambie matako ya hawa mama wote ni maji. Maji tupu.

(The guy was struggling to say that the president was better than his predecessor bu he had postpned his visits many times. but now that he had come the issues of the women in Ukambani was water shortage.


Friday, October 14, 2011

Jeng'

After a heavy night of drinking at the local bar, a Jeng' stumbles into a Catholic church and slowly makes his way into the confessional booth. There, the priest patiently awaits Ouma to begin his confession.

Confessional Booth After a few minutes of silence, the priest politely taps on the window… nothing. The priest taps again and this time clears his throat a bit… still nothing. At this point the priest begins to lose his patience and bangs on the window.

Finally Ouma yells out… “Marateng'? Ti! Omera !there is no use knocking, there is no tissue paper over here either,jaribu choo next berr!"


Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Jalou Berrrrrr

My friends, being a luo isnt easy, its an an art we must live up to!. No matter where you are...u must be U! please take note of the titles below and use them as etiquette demands

How Luos call them....

Gardener - Landscape Executive and Animal Nutritionist
House Maid - Domestic Operations Specialist
Typist - Printed Document Handler
Messenger - Business Communications Conveyer
Window Cleaner - Transparent Wall Technician
Temporary Teacher - Associate Tutor
Tea Boy - Refreshments Overseer
Garbage Collector - Public Sanitation Technician
Watchman - Theft Prevention and Surveillance Officer
Thief - Wealth Distribution Officer
Driver - Automobile Propulsion Specialist
Receptionist - Office Access Control Specialist
Cook - Food Preparation Officer
Bartender - Certified Liquor Specialist
Housewife - Permanent Secretary- Home Affairs


Three Bodies

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. After autopsies, the pathologist calls the police to tell
them what has happened.

"First body: a Mkamba, 60, died of heart failure while making love to
his mistress. Hence the enormous smile,

"Second body: "a Luo, 25, won a hundred thousand shillings in the
sweepstakes, spent it all on whisky & cham. Died of alcohol poisoning,
hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the pathologist, "this is the most unusual one.
Harvester Khayega, Luhyia from Funyula, 30, struck by
lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."


kibanda language

So you have all have been to the mighty kibanda for a selection of mouth watering dishes, but most of you guyz barely understand the logistics of operations there, leave alone the street language. So here's a compilation of some of the delicacies available on demand, in kibanda language.

1. Chapati dunga - this is where a chapati is rolled and pierced with a fork.

2. chapati dondosa - this is where a chapati is served whole and served while floating on thick soup.

3. chapati msalaba - this is where a chapati is sliced into four equal quarters. The cuttings resemble a cross

4. chapati kifagio- this is where a chapati is sliced into thin many vertical strips

5. chapati chafua- this is where a chapati is sliced into many pieces as possible. Usually they are sliced into squares that are approximately 3.5 centimeteres squared (do the math)

6. chapati mbao/ chapati mawe - this is a dry chapati, those that break easily like a piece of wood

7. ugali saucer/ wembe/discount- that one i know you know

8. ugali mlima- this is an enourmous chunk of ugali served only to proffessionals and is usually served with a warning. "ukikosa kuimaliza, utaongeza kumi".

9. Tumbukiza - this is where meat is overboiled until the meat is very soft. Usually served without salt. Tumbukiza special has no bones

10. kahawa kifo- so you have done kahawa chungu! This is worse. It usually contains lots of "kahawa no 1" and is overboiled till its black. its then served without sugar. Its literrally burnt coffee

11. kaa ndani- this is where a mandazi is made an incision at the side and a delicacy inserted inside of it. So kaa ndani ya sausage is a mandazi with a sausage in it.

12. jembe ya meno- toothpick

13. samaki cassette- this is fish which has bones in it. Its served whole whereby a person starts eating it on one side( side A ).
Once done, its then turned to the other side (side B). A successful completed eating mission is certified once the only thing left on the plate are intact bones of the fish and the head.

14. karare- chapati nusu

15. combat- githeri

16. mix/ missile / kadhalika- this is mchanganyiko of everything on the soup menu. Involves madondo, sukuma, nyama, ndengu etc. Na inasemwa na style, so dont go ati nipatie missile 20!
It goes like "haya, hebu nibonde na chapo mix ya kaufourty, na ikuje chapchap kabla niachwe na ndege"

17. teargas- pilipili

kibanda language

So you have all have been to the mighty kibanda for a selection of mouth watering dishes, but most of you guyz barely understand the logistics of operations there, leave alone the street language. So here's a compilation of some of the delicacies available on demand, in kibanda language.

1. Chapati dunga - this is where a chapati is rolled and pierced with a fork.

2. chapati dondosa - this is where a chapati is served whole and served while floating on thick soup.

3. chapati msalaba - this is where a chapati is sliced into four equal quarters. The cuttings resemble a cross

4. chapati kifagio- this is where a chapati is sliced into thin many vertical strips

5. chapati chafua- this is where a chapati is sliced into many pieces as possible. Usually they are sliced into squares that are approximately 3.5 centimeteres squared (do the math)

6. chapati mbao/ chapati mawe - this is a dry chapati, those that break easily like a piece of wood

7. ugali saucer/ wembe/discount- that one i know you know

8. ugali mlima- this is an enourmous chunk of ugali served only to proffessionals and is usually served with a warning. "ukikosa kuimaliza, utaongeza kumi".

9. Tumbukiza - this is where meat is overboiled until the meat is very soft. Usually served without salt. Tumbukiza special has no bones

10. kahawa kifo- so you have done kahawa chungu! This is worse. It usually contains lots of "kahawa no 1" and is overboiled till its black. its then served without sugar. Its literrally burnt coffee

11. kaa ndani- this is where a mandazi is made an incision at the side and a delicacy inserted inside of it. So kaa ndani ya sausage is a mandazi with a sausage in it.

12. jembe ya meno- toothpick

13. samaki cassette- this is fish which has bones in it. Its served whole whereby a person starts eating it on one side( side A ).
Once done, its then turned to the other side (side B). A successful completed eating mission is certified once the only thing left on the plate are intact bones of the fish and the head.

14. karare- chapati nusu

15. combat- githeri

16. mix/ missile / kadhalika- this is mchanganyiko of everything on the soup menu. Involves madondo, sukuma, nyama, ndengu etc. Na inasemwa na style, so dont go ati nipatie missile 20!
It goes like "haya, hebu nibonde na chapo mix ya kaufourty, na ikuje chapchap kabla niachwe na ndege"

17. teargas- pilipili

Bifwoli in parliament

Bifwoli enters parliament with bandages on his ears, Marende: Hon Member of Bumula,what happened to your ears? Bifwoli: Mr Speaker, I receift a call while ironing an I confused putingi my mopile for the iron pox on my ear (members burst laughing) Marende: Order members! order!! it is not in order to laugh at a collegue. Hon Bifwoli pole..... So what happened to the other ear? Bifwoli: Mr. Speaker,the itiot kolt pak!!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Kikuyu ndani ya mwarabu

An Arab was admitted in the Nairobi Hospital for a heart operation, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to the neighboring towns.

Finally a Kikuyu was located who had a similar type of blood. The Kikuyu willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery,the Arab sent the Kikuyu as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW 540iL, diamonds, lapis lazuli jewelry, and half a million US dollars.

Once again the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Kikuyu who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Kikuyu a thank you card and a box of almond chocolate & sweets. The Kikuyu was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate the Kikuyu 's kind gesture as he had anticipated..

He phoned the Arab and told him, 'I thought this time u would give me Toyota Prado, Diamonds and Jewelry. But u gave only a card and a box of almond chocolate & sweets. To this the Arab replied 'Can't help it, friend..... Now I have Kikuyu blood in my veins!!


Famous kikuyu words

1.Wheelbarrow – Harrubarow
2.Diesel-Dithoro
3.Sunday school-Sade Skoo
4.Avacado-Macodofia/ovacado
5• Cholmondeley – Koromondo…Shoromondo…Shomondree…AAAAGH, Kamundu kau!!!
6• Charles – sharothi….Jesse – jaythii….Josiah – Johthia….Grace – Girathiii…Coolio – Kuria.
7******EMINEM-Munene
8. Touch Me Lord – Tash Me Rod…
9. In a school context – Agriculture – ngirigasha…Parallelogram – parrrrrrgram….Peripheral – ferferi…Minerals – minroz
10.Walikuja wakishikilia bunduki – Marikuja makishikiria bonoko


Monday, October 10, 2011

Mbuzi

Tajiri kanunua mbuzi! Akamwambia mpishi!

"Nyama nusu ipike pilau na nyingine itie kwenye friza!

Kichwa fanya supu na miguu fanya mchuzi chukuchuku!
Ngozi usitupe tutafanya mswala, utumbo pika na ndizi na mifupa tutawauzia wenye mbwa!"

Mpishi akamuliza:

"Hutaki na sauti ya mbuzi tukichinja tufanye ring tone kwenye simu yako?"


Just for Laughs

And you wonder why the characters in Tahidi High never finish high school!

1. Kamilisha methali hii: Akili ni nywele…

a) Ujinga ni weave

b) Wazimu ni mohawk

c) Kipara ni ngoto

...d) Matuta ni msoto

2. What does Yash Pal Ghai's daughter call her father? - Ghai Fafa!

3. What did Moses say when he saw the burning bush? HELLO-MOTO!

4. What is the opposite of Wetangula – Dryangula

5. Name one place in Kenya where you will find coffee and sugarcane growing. - Kahawa Sukari.

6. Kamilisha methali ifuatayo .... 'Usipoziba woofer , utachoma pia amplifier '

7. Which one of these is not a soap?

a) Esmeralda

b) Days of Our Lives

c) Geisha

d) La Mujer

e)Soy Tu Duena

8. Give an appropriate answer to the following Question: 'Otherwise?'

9. If Moses was a Rastafarian and saw the burning bush,what could he have said?

a) Mo faya

b) Better dan dem

c).Wa’gwan

d) Blo! Blo! Blo


Thursday, August 18, 2011

LOVE LETTER IN MATHS

My Dear SweetHeart,

Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in trigonometric lane.There I saw you with our cute circular face,conical nose and spherical eyes, standing in your triangular garden. Before seeing you my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated. My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me.
The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity.I promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity. You are as essential to me as an element to a set.
The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality. My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved polynomial of degree 10. With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima, of an unknown function.

Truly Yours

Gairey

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Top Ten Reasons why there won't be an Indian US President Anytime Soon

10. White House not big enough for in-laws
9. Engineering, medicine, law and motels always preferred over politics
8. Agarbattis will set off smoke alarms
7. Can't find decent masala dhosa inside the beltway
6. Secret service can't handle nagging from mother
5. Dignitaries generally intimidated by eating with hands at state dinners
4. No chance for promotion
3. Chewing pan masala not considered politically correct
2. Senior aides won't take off shoes before coming in
1. Air Force One: No frequent flyer miles

Riddle

A lady shoots her husband, then holds him under water for five minutes and finally hangs him. Five minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a lovely meal. How can that be?

Answer:

She's a photographer. she shoots her husband with a camera and holds the picture under water to develop it and then hangs it on the wall.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were walking

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were walking Along the beach. A seagull flies over and craps all Over the blonde.The brunette says in a disgusted voice, "Hang on. The bathroom is just up the hill. I'll go get Some toilet paper."After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh.The Redhead says, "What's so funny?"The blonde says, "Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her! By the time she gets back with That toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!"

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Kaa Rada....

Mke kanunua line ya airtel amsurprise mumewe, Mume amekaa sitting room, mke akaenda jikoni akampigia mume na number mpya akasema "HALLO DARLING", Mume hakuijua number akajibu kwa sauti ya chini "KATA NTAKUPIGIA...! HII NG'OMBE YANGU IKO JIKONI"
..........Tafakari yaliofuata!