MAD COW

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a rather primitive farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow Disease.

The Lady: Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?

The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: Do you know that a bull has sex with a Cow only once a year?

The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed): Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow Disease?

The Farmer: And, madam, do you know that we milk a Cow twice a day?

The reporter: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about, Getting to the point?

The Farmer: I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, Couldn’t you get mad?

Little Johnny’s Playing Partner

Little Johnny is walking down the hall when he hears a noise from his parents room. He knocks on the door and asks his mom what’s going on. “Playing cards,” she replies. “Who’s your partner?” asked little johnny. “Your father!”

Content with his answer, Little Johnny walks further down the hall towards his room when he hears the same noise coming from his sister’s room. Again, he knocks on the door and asked his sister what was she doing. “Playing cards.” “With who?” he asks. ”My boyfriend!” she says.

A short while later, Little Johnny’s father is walking down the hall and hears a noise coming from Little Johnny’s room. He knocks on the door and asks ”What are you doing?” “Playing cards!” replied Johnny. ”Who’s your partner?” asked his father…

Little Johnny answers promptly, “With a hand like this who needs a partner?”

A Blues For Tara Chamia

A Blues for Tara Chamia --

Say baby, can I be your slave
I’ve got to admit girl, you’re the shit girl
And I’m diggin’ you like a grave
Now do they call you daughter to the spinnin post, or
Or maybe Queen of 2,000 moons
Sister to the distant, yet risin’ star
Is your name Yimmy-Ya
Oh hell nah, it’s got to be Oshun
Ooo, is that a smile me put on your face child
Wide as a field of Jasmine and Glover
Talk that talk honey, walk that walk money
Hound legs that’ll spank Jehovah
Shit, who am I?
It’s not important
But they call me brother to the Night
And right now
I’m the blues in your left thigh
Tryin to become the funk in your right

Who am I?
I’ll be whoever you say
But right now, I’m the sight raped hunter
Blindly pursuing you as my prey
And I just wanna give you injections, of sublime erections
And get you to dance to my rhythm
Make you dream archaetypes, of black angels in flight
Upon wings, of distorted, contorted, metaphoric jism
Come on slim
Fuck yo’ man, I ain’t worried about him
It’s you who I wanna step to my scene
Cause rather than deal with the fallacy
Of this dry ass reality
I rather dance and romance your sweet ass, in a wet dream
Who am I?
Well they all call me brother to the Night
And right now, I’m the blues in your left thigh
Trying to become the funk in your right
Is that alright

Bikers

A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the
front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the
butt of the other.

"So what's going on here?" he a...sks.

The biker replies, "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit."

The cop says, "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his throat."

The biker replies, "That's what I'm going to do next!"

Dinner party

A new employee was invited to the boss's house for dinner, as a way of
welcoming him into the company. After they had eaten a large meal, the
new employee leaned sideways on his chair and let an almighty fart at
the dinner table.

The boss, with a lo...ok of disgust, turned to the man and said, "How dare
you fart in front of my wife?!"

The guy replied, "Sorry - I didn't realize it was her turn!"

The pastor’s Ass

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read;

PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race…

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey..

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby Convent..

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted!

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for 10$.

The next day the papers read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR 10$.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

Machine Wash -vs- Hand Wash

A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "having sex."This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept.

Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They "did the laundry" 5 times that first night. In the middle of the night the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired. She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning.

A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again. She gently shook him and said, "Honey, I'm sorry I denied you... We can do the laundry again if you want,"

He replied, "That's ok... It was a small load... I did it by hand."

Hahahahaha!

Never Saw It This Way

IN PRISON ... you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK ... you spend the majority of your time in one 6x8.
IN PRISON ... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK ... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON ... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK ... you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON ... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK ... you carry around a security card and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON ... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK ... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON ... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK ... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON ... they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK ... you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON ... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK ... they are called managers.
IN PRISON ... all expenses are paid by taxpayers; no work is required.
AT WORK ... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON ... you spend your life looking through bars from the inside, wanting to get out.
AT WORK ... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

Dear Alcohol

Dear Alcohol

First let me say that I’m a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you’re even around at the holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we’re stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings).

However, lately I’ve been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls and text messages: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation after 2 a.m. can have much substance or necessity. Why would you make me call my ex’s? Especially when I know, for a fact, they DO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I’m an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you’re subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me to fall down. It’s completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening’s debauchery may be in order. But, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out (face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever), the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You’ve been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter and the needed companion when I just don’t know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday 3 p.m. (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions. And hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your Biggest Fan

Technology not for Geezers

You are on a crowded bus when you suddenly realize... you need to fart… The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.
You let go about 5 strong and loud ones back to back. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you remember: you've been listening to your iPod

A Marriage Made In Heaven

One rainy Sunday afternoon, a young couple were on their way to their Church to get married. On the way there, their car lost control and slammed into a telephone pole – killing them both instantly.

The couple soon found themselves standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, welcoming them to Heaven. The young woman asks Peter if they could get married in Heaven, since their time on Earth was cut short. He replies that he’ll get back with them on that request.

A month later, St. Peter finds them and announces that they can – in fact – get arried in Heaven. To his suprise, the woman asks “Just wondering, if things don’t work out will we be able to get a divorce?”

With a stern look in his eye, Peter blurts out “Look lady, it took me a month to find a preacher up here… you really think I’m gonna find a lawyer?”

No immediate ruling in Jackson cause of death

Police are looking for Michael Jackson's personal physician but have been unable to contact him, they said Friday. The doctor's car was towed from Jackson's home Thursday and impounded, authorities said.

The car may contain "medications pertinent to the investigation" into Jackson's death, said detective Agustin Villanueva of Los Angeles Police Department.

Police did not release the doctors name.

Authorities said Friday the cause of Michael Jackson's death will not be determined officially for weeks.

The superstar's sudden death Thursday at age 50 left a family devastated, an industry stunned and legions of fans lost. It also left a glaring question: What happened?

"The likelihood is very slim that we will have any results to release today because of the extensive level of the tests that we're going to be performing," said Ed Winter, assistant chief of the Los Angeles coroners office.

The results of toxicology tests are expected in six to eight weeks, he said, adding that the cause of death will be determined when all results come in.

Initial autopsy results could show whether Jackson had an underlying heart condition, medical experts say.

There are questions over whether Jackson's death may have involved medication.

Brian Oxman, a former attorney for the Jackson family who was with the family in the hospital emergency room on Thursday, told CNN he had been concerned about medications the pop star was taking.

"I talked to this family about it, I warned them. I said that Michael is overmedicating and that I did not want to see this kind of a case develop," Oxman told CNN's "American Morning" on Friday.

He referred to Anna Nicole Smith, the former model and reality TV show star who died of an overdose in 2007.

"I said, 'If that's what's going to happen to Michael, it's all going to break our hearts.' And my worst fears are here."

Oxman emphasized that he does not know what killed Jackson, and was not making accusations against any individual.

Jackson was in apparent cardiac arrest when paramedics rushed him Thursday from his home to Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center, where a team of physicians tried to resuscitate him for more than an hour, according to Jackson's brother Jermaine. He said the music idol was pronounced dead at 2:26 p.m.

The night before he had complained of not feeling well, brother Marlon Jackson said.

He told CNN on Thursday about his conversation with Jackson's manager Frank Dileo. On Wednesday night, Jackson said he was not feeling well, so his doctor went to see him. "Frank said, 'Marlon, from last night to this morning, I don't know what happened.' When they got to him this morning, he wasn't breathing."

The troubled icon had been preparing for a comeback tour, aimed at extending his legendary career and helping to pay off hundreds of millions of dollars in debt.

Michael Jackson began his professional work at age 5, singing with his brothers before shooting to superstardom as a solo artist. He had numerous No. 1 hits, the best known being "Thriller."

"Thriller" was the best-selling album of all time, at an estimated 50 million copies worldwide.

After dominating the popular music scene for years, Jackson became reclusive and mired in scandals that included child molestation charges. He was acquitted after a highly publicized trial in Santa Maria, California, in March 2006.

Last year, Jackson announced a comeback tour that was to start in July. When some of the shows were postponed till next year, rumors spread that the entertainer was weak and suffering from skin cancer.

But Marlon Jackson said he last saw his younger brother at a May 14 family gathering and he "looked great."

"He was looking well. He was getting ready to go into rehearsals for his tour. I don't know what happened," Marlon Jackson said.

The most famous of Michael Jackson's eight siblings, Janet, issued a statement through her manager.

"Janet Jackson is grief-stricken and devastated at the sudden loss of her brother," said Kenneth Crear. "She is ... flying immediately to California to be with her family."

A large crowd gathered outside the hospital, while in New York a huge crowd gathered outside the Apollo Theater.

Around the world, fans reacted with sadness. iReport.com: Share your Michael Jackson memories

Some, including actress Elizabeth Taylor and musician Stevie Wonder, were too distraught to issue statements.

Producer Quincy Jones, who helped Jackson craft his hit albums "Off the Wall" and "Thriller," said, "I am absolutely devastated at this tragic and unexpected news.

"For Michael to be taken away from us so suddenly at such a young age, I just don't have the words," Jones added in a statement.

Jackson's music continues to be heard throughout the world "because he had it all -- talent, grace, professionalism and dedication," Jones said. He called Jackson a consummate entertainer, whose legacy will be felt around the world.

"I've lost my little brother today and part of my soul has gone with him," Jones said.

Berry Gordy, producer and founder of Motown Records, said Jackson's death was "like a bad dream."

"As a kid, Michael was always beyond his years. He was an innovator. He was a genius at what he did," Gordy said. "He had a knowingness about him. At 9 years old, when I first started working with him, he seemed to me like he had been here before. He was just so knowledgeable about life."

Jackson's former wife, Lisa Marie Presley, said she was "shocked and saddened" by his death.

"My heart goes out to his children and his family," she said.

Jackson is survived by his three children, Prince Michael I, Paris and Prince Michael II.

MR. OMWAMI

Omwami bought a new mobile.
He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said,
'My Mobile No. Has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'

============ ========= ========= ======
Omwami: I am Proud, coz my son is in Medical College .
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
Omwami: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.
============ ========= ========= ========= ===
Omwami: Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Omwami : Can I take it tomorrow, tonight is the final game.
============ ========= ========= ========= ====
Omwami : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Omwami : No, I'll also stay with your sister.
============ ========= ========= ========= ==
Omwami : People consider me as a 'GOD'
Wife: How do you know??
Omwami : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD! U have come again..
============ ========= ========= ========= ====
Omwami complained to the police: 'Sir, all items are missing, except the TV in my house.'
Police: 'How come the thief did not take TV?'
Omwami : 'I was watching TV news...'
============ ========= ========= ========= ==
Omwami comes back 2 his car & find a note saying 'Parking Fine'
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for the compliment.'
============ ========= ========= ========= ======
How do you recognize Omwami in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.
============ ========= ========= ========= ========
Once Omwami was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast ann ounced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Omwami in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and
Says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ===
Omwami : Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup

Omwami - If only the winner will get the cup, why are others running?

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ===
Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense
Omwami : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =====
Omwami told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'
Servant: 'It's already raining.'

Omwami: 'So what? Take an umbrella and go.'

Little Johnny... Finding Jesus

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

The Chinese Investigator

(Read in your best chinese accent)

A man hires a chinese Private Investigator, Chen Lee, to watch his wife .

A few days later the man gets this report:
Sir.
I watch house.
You leave house.
He came to house.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she go hotel.
I climb tree and look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip.
She strip.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
I fall out tree.
I not see.
No fee.

Chen Lee.
Weely Sollee.

Meaning of Period

Teacher: Do u know the importance of period?

Kid: yes, once ma sis said she had missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack and our driver ran away

LIFE TIPS

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said,
I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case,
things aren't well.
I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'


After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber.

There were some laughs and more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as
to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, '

Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told
your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

Because I don't want any of those b*tches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.

Why people like going to church

Preacher said: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and
throw it into the river"..
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in
the river".
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world, I'd take it all
and throw it in the river".
Again thecongregation cried, "Amen!"

The preacher sat down.

The deacon then stood up & said:
"For our closing hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our hymn books and
sing,
'We shall drink from that river'". THE CONGREGATION SCREAMED HALLELUJAH!!!!!

Vicheke Kidogo

Condom says to Pad "When you work, I lose seven days of business."

Padreplies, "If you fail to work once, my business stops for Nine

months!"

**************************************

A camel and an elephant met, and the elephant asked: "Why do you have

your boobs on your back?"

The camel responded: "What a silly question from someone who has a dick

on his face!"

*************************************

A black guy and a white girl met at a niteclub. She took him to her

apartment and said: "Tie me to the bed and do what black men do

best!"...

So he ran off with the TV and DVD Player...

*********************************

Wife: "I wish I was a newspaper, so that you could hold me every

morning!"

Husband: " Me too, my dear, so that I can have a NEW ONE every

morning!"

**********************************

A Chinese couple got married. When the baby was born, her eyes were big

and blue, hair was curly and blonde, skin was brown. Finally, name of

baby was SUM TING LONG ("some thing wrong")

*******************************

A lady visited her doctor one morning. Doc said: "You look so weak and

Exhausted!

Are you eating your meals 3 times a day as I advised?

Lady: "Doc, I thought you said 3 males a day!"

New: Drive-In ATMs - Male & Female How-to...

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.
Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

**************************

*****
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4.. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Kenya Police vs GSU vs CID

The regular Kenya Police, the no-nonsense paramilitary General Service Unit (GSU) & the CID are all trying to prove to the Coalition Government that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

President Kibaki and Prime Minister Raila decide to give them a test. They release a rabbit into Karura forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CID goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The GSU goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The Kenya police goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten Monkey.

The Monkey is yelling, "Okay!! Okay!! I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"

Kikuyu Mind

A KIKUYU man walks into a bank in NAIROBI City and asks for the loan
officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to DUBAI on
business for two weeks and needs to borrow KSH 5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of
security for the loan, so the KIKUYU man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari
parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and
everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for
the loan.

The bank's president and its officers ( luo) all enjoy a good laugh at the
KIKUYU for using a KSH 1,500,000 Ferrari as collateral against a KSH 5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the KIKUYU returns, repays the KSH 5,000 and the
interest,which comes to KSH 150.41.The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy
to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely
but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and
found that you are a multi millionaire.. What puzzles us is, why would you
bother to borrow "KSH 5,000"

The KIKUYU replies: "Where else in NAIROBI can I park my car for
two weeks for only KSH 150.41 and expect it to be there when I return'"

Ah, the mind of the KIKUYU ...

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too sicky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. !

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes!

No wonder men are happier.Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too sicky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. !

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes!

No wonder men are happier.

Understanding Cricket

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in.

Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out.

When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out. ...

When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in.

There are two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out.

When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game!